Friday, 28 August 2015

Travel: Mexico

As many of you know I love my trips and holidays. Since buying my house and starting university next month I have to be a lot more careful about anything I book now. In saying that I still want to go away just not as often.

So next year I am off to Mexico!


I know that I need a trip where I can just relax and chill out. I am going at the time my masters degree ends so a little R&R is something I will be needing. It's funny because I have a travel list and some people have asked me why I am going somewhere that isn't on my list of places I want to go.

And the answer is pretty simple.

It's just a list.

It doesn't mean I don't want to see other places. I know I really want to go to Thailand and that isn't on my list but it doesn't mean I won't go because it isn't on my list. I think it would be very narrow minded of me to have that view.

One of the things I do LOVE about going somewhere that isn't on my list is that I haven't researched it. So if you have been what do you recommend seeing/doing?

I am going to be on the Caribbean coast just south of Cancun. I welcome any Mexican advice and ideas!

Have you any trips planned? 

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Friday, 21 August 2015

Just Everything

I feel like just everything is getting on top of me at the moment. I just feel as if I am permanently harassed and not just be people. By traffic, paperwork, gossip, rubbish weather, poor funds. I just feel irritated by everything.

Two weeks ago I went through a meltdown. It was the first time in two years that I felt out of control and it was scary. But I have also, with wonderful help, been able to pick myself up so much better. I have been able to realise where my thoughts should not have been going and been able, with support, try to re-navigate myself. It's almost like I am a GPS. I lost my way for a bit and at the moment I currently feel like I am doing the U-Turn. I just haven't quite figured out which road to drive onto yet. But I am quite happy to wait at the junction until I do.

It's also hit me this week that this time next month I will be a student again. I am so used to being the mentor for student nurses so to go back to where I was 5 years ago - just seems a little crazy. I am EXCITED for it. I am so ready for a new challenge and this is something I have dreamt of doing. But this week has also hit home at what I am leaving. Even though I find the job boring I do not find the people I work with dull in the slightest.

They're like a second family and I genuinely feel like I am flying the nest. Their support has been invaluable but my God it is starting to sink that I won't be working alongside them anymore. It's scary. Today I said my first goodbye to one of the girls, as she is going away for a month, and the idea of having to do that 20+ more times sucks.

Change is a good thing but it also stops me from being in the driving seat for a little bit. So just like this post. I seem to be feeling a cacophony of every emotion at the moment. Yet, as long as I am better than I was two weeks ago then I know I will be okay.


I have faith in the next step even if I can't see the whole staircase.

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Sunday, 9 August 2015

Relapse

Relapse - a deterioration after a period of improvement.

And this is what happened. For the last two years I have been on a steady path in dealing with my anxiety issues. But I will admit there have been many instances where I have ignored silly thoughts in my head, worried about certain situations that on reflection weren't worth anxiety over. I understand that there would have been times that I would slip but I think it is safe to say that I have relapsed back into anxiety.

It all came to a head last week when I couldn't sleep, my concentration at work was shot and mustering all I could to not cry was my goal of the day. It took me back to two years ago when I did exactly the same thing but what was worse this time was I knew what was happening...and I was so panicked by it. I was my own worst critic as I couldn't utilise the tools I had been taught to reduce the anxiety because crying about it seemed easier. After I had my panic attack I knew enough was enough. I had to take hold of it.

I spoke to a good friend of mine who has two psychology degrees and he made me realise that it's a good idea to start liking myself. I need to start training my mind and change this learned response. Simply because he is right...when I worry about something I have somehow learnt to become anxious over it rather than realistic about it. I want to change this and I have tools to help me start.

One thing I do want to say though that as rubbish as I feel right now. I know I am lucky. I am lucky to have brilliant friends who have messaged and rung me all week to see how I am. I am fortunate to have a family who know how to distract me and blessed to have a housemate who lets me cry on the sofa and doesn't think she's living with some crazy loon. I know that and for that I am thankful.

But I am also encouraged. If I stop to think about it I don't give myself enough credit for keeping my anxiety/depression at bay. For two years I have known I have these illnesses and each time they have reared their ugly heads they haven't been as bad. And you know why? Because I don't let it. I try so hard to rid my head of those mean thoughts and their intrusive natures. I have to stop myself from ruminating on the past and feeling regret because it just leads to one dead end. So even though this time the relapse has been so much worse it has also made me realise how far I have come.

On Friday I felt so alone, despite having so many people around me. Yet, today I don't have as many people around me but I do not feel alone.

This is my battle and I am always going to show up for the fight with a sword in hand.


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