Friday, 21 August 2015

Just Everything

I feel like just everything is getting on top of me at the moment. I just feel as if I am permanently harassed and not just be people. By traffic, paperwork, gossip, rubbish weather, poor funds. I just feel irritated by everything.

Two weeks ago I went through a meltdown. It was the first time in two years that I felt out of control and it was scary. But I have also, with wonderful help, been able to pick myself up so much better. I have been able to realise where my thoughts should not have been going and been able, with support, try to re-navigate myself. It's almost like I am a GPS. I lost my way for a bit and at the moment I currently feel like I am doing the U-Turn. I just haven't quite figured out which road to drive onto yet. But I am quite happy to wait at the junction until I do.

It's also hit me this week that this time next month I will be a student again. I am so used to being the mentor for student nurses so to go back to where I was 5 years ago - just seems a little crazy. I am EXCITED for it. I am so ready for a new challenge and this is something I have dreamt of doing. But this week has also hit home at what I am leaving. Even though I find the job boring I do not find the people I work with dull in the slightest.

They're like a second family and I genuinely feel like I am flying the nest. Their support has been invaluable but my God it is starting to sink that I won't be working alongside them anymore. It's scary. Today I said my first goodbye to one of the girls, as she is going away for a month, and the idea of having to do that 20+ more times sucks.

Change is a good thing but it also stops me from being in the driving seat for a little bit. So just like this post. I seem to be feeling a cacophony of every emotion at the moment. Yet, as long as I am better than I was two weeks ago then I know I will be okay.

I have faith in the next step even if I can't see the whole staircase.


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