Saturday, 30 May 2015

365 Days

Dear Gran,

It has been 365 days since you left us. It's also been 365 days since I moved out of Mum and Dad's and started a new era of independence. I could so easily dwell on what you have missed since you passed but I refuse to do that.

Last May/June was such a blur. If I am honest I don't even remember crying that much after you had gone. But if I think about it I grieve for you in little pockets rather than big bursts. I cried when I saw a nursery rhyme in my nephew's book (Bobby Shafto- remember?) I cry whenever I see your handwriting. I cried when I didn't get a birthday card from you this year. I cried when I planted your rosebush in my new garden. I cry at the small things that I desperately miss about you.

If there is one thing I hate about grief is that it also makes you regret. I don't have a tonne but of course I wish I saw more of you. I wish I made more of an effort rather than rely on mum and my aunts to take care of you. Looking back I wish I had asked you about your wedding day to Grandad. I saw a framed picture of your wedding day in Aunt Lucy's house and all these questions popped up in my head. What time did you get married? Where did you get married? Did you have a first dance? If so what was the song? Since you have left I have realised that if I have a burning question- ask it. If I want to do something- do it!

I miss your funny sayings and words like 'don't be so daft' and 'it gives me the collywobbles.' I miss your love of reading and seeing books just stacked up beside your chair. As I write this so many memories just flood my brain. I remember you taking me to the jumble sales with the others. I remember how every Saturday you had a bag of sweets waiting for us. How we got £2 pocket money every other week. I even remember the smell of the coins as you handed them to us. I remember staying at yours most new years and waking up to the smell of bacon after you had walked the dog. Whenever I see Appletiser in the shops I ALWAYS think of you. You always bought Appletiser at Christmas and whenever we went over yours for a meal. If Appletiser was on the table then I knew it was some sort of special occasion. It's little things like that that just make me cherish my upbringing so much more.

If I am being totally frank then without you I wouldn't exist. I wouldn't have had the chance to be a sister or an auntie to Cohen and Honor. I wouldn't have three cousins. It's amazing how it takes just one person to create a family but it doesn't take one person to lose it either. Even when that one person goes the family just finds a way to stick together. I know you wouldn't agree but you were the glue that kept us all in touch. You were always the reason and never the exception. They say that beauty always springs from the ashes and I have to agree that since you have passed Mum, Lucy and Jo are a lot more closer now. I make it sound like they never bothered before which isn't true. But they make more effort because the glue isn't here anymore and it's so nice to see.

Even though I have never believed in your religion and faith I do know you're with Granddad now. For 20 years since his death you centred your life, routines and funny expressions around us. I so wish you could be here to see my new home, to have met Honor and to be in all of our futures. But I will tell you all about it...when I see you again.

If I have learnt anything from you then it's this. Family's true. If you don't have family then you don't have anything.

I miss you Gran, I really do.


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