Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Cohen is 2!

How an earth Cohen has turned two years old is beyond me! It was just like yesterday that I got the call to say I was an auntie. He just the most fun kid who I cherish. I am a very lucky lady to have him.

I nickname Cohen - 'Cautious Cohen' - because he is quite a wary kid. He is very aware of his company and surroundings. He is a true mumma's boy! He loves to be outdoors, do anything creative and say the word no - a lot. He loves trains, planes, books and making pirate sounds. This time next year he will be a big brother!

They celebrated his birthday by taking him to Longleat zoo and we are having a family BBQ this weekend too. I really could not imagine not having him in our lives. He never fails to make me smile and I really cannot wait to see him grow up - but not too quickly mind.

Happy birthday sweet boy - you're such a delight!

Saturday, 26 April 2014


NED = No Evidence of Disease!

My mum got her results and there is no evidence of any lung cancer. They do need to keep an eye on her lungs for the next few months but she is healthy! The last two weeks have been so stressful and very worrying. I also understand that some people don't get such good news. I am BEYOND thankful for this good news. It really makes you appreciate the people in your life and that your health in paramount!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and positive messages. It has kept me going when I really started thinking negatively!

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Wednesday Hodgepodge - The Return

I think I have pretty much decided that taking part in Hodgepodge weekly like I used to isn't working out. In saying that I love it when I can take part. So here goes...

1) April 22nd is Earth day. Are you inspired by nature? In what way?

I would say I am unexpectedly inspired by nature. The world around us isn't something I am hugely appreciative of until I am suddenly struck by a certain scene, picture or object. I think it's because I am used to my homely surroundings that it isn't until something changes or if I am away that I suddenly think 'wow that sure is beautiful!'

2) Down to earth, four corners of the earth, move heaven and earth, not have an earthly chance, or salt of the earth...which earthly idiom have you most recently encountered? Explain.

I would say down to earth or move heaven and earth...my mum is currently going through a lung cancer scare. I remember when she told me 2 weeks ago her doctors suspicions and I just felt like I had been hit in the gut. I honestly felt like vomiting there and then at the news. I felt like I had been brought down to earth with a massive thud...and it hurt. In saying that now I have had time to digest the news I will move heaven and earth to make her well again!

3) Give one piece of advice you might give a newly engaged couple.

I have never been engaged but I have seen many friends get hit with 'wedding fever.' They get caught up in the world of weddings, fireworks, cakes, icing and dresses etc. Then when it comes to the wedding it just isn't very them. I think a wedding should reflect the couple and their relationship, not taking everything the wedding world has to offer. So I would say 'be true to what you have already created in your relationship.'

4) When did you last engage someone to perform a job, task, service, home repair, or improvement? On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best) how would you rate their work and/or your satisfaction at the job/service provided?

In the last few months my friend and I decided to hire a financial advisor to sort out our mortgage paperwork, life insurance and legal queries. They have been fantastic! The whole idea of moving is very daunting, especially when it is your first time. The company have been flawless and totally taken the burden off of us. I would rate them 10/10!

5) When did you last find yourself engaged in small talk? Are you an expert?

I went to Edinburgh a few weeks ago for a friends party. There were many people that I did not know there and I engaged in small talk a lot. I find I am quite comfortable in making small talk with people. I like finding things out about others and on a daily basis I do it for work.

6) What was the last historic place you visited?

uumm thats a good one. There are many that pop into my head. I went to Edinburgh a few weeks ago and that was fun! I also travelled via Kings Cross station which is famous for many reasons but I wouldn't say historic. I am off to Niagara Falls next month and that's quite historic!

7) The world would be a better place if we just_____?

Stopped moaning!

8) Insert your own random thought here.

My Mum gets her test results back tomorrow. It's one month until I go to Canada. My nephew turns TWO next week - how?!?! Too many thoughts!

Monday, 14 April 2014

Positive Thoughts

At this moment in time I feel that my family are getting no luck in the health department. My Gran went back into hospital 10 days ago for another flare up of pneumonia. Although not as bad as last time she is still very frail. She is now in respite care for a few weeks in the hope she can gain some strength back. However, she is now refusing to eat due to nausea so it's just a vicious circle.

On top of that my Mum also contracted pneumonia 2 weeks ago and was very poorly. She had a chest X-ray which has shown a 'suspicious mass' on her lung. I am so frightened! She is currently awaiting scans and tests to see what it is but we have been told there is a likelihood it could be lung cancer.

Scared is an understatement. These last few weeks I have been really been hit in the face with how important our health is and we so often take it for granted. I am petrified that my mum could be really sick and it does not help that I am a nurse either. I have seen the really ugly side of operations and illnesses in my line of work. So it is easy to jump to the negative instead of the positive.

My family could really do with some positive thoughts right now.

Monday, 7 April 2014

We only accept the love we think we deserve

I have just got back from a wonderful weekend celebrating my blog friend Laurie's 30th birthday in Edinburgh. I had the best time and it was so fun to get away, meet new people and race adults on space hoppers. I certainly got to release my inner child. I have evidence too.

One of my favourite parts of the weekend was settling down to watch a movie on Saturday night. Laurie and I watched The Perks of being a Wallflower. I have read about this film but as always life gets in the way and I haven't had a chance to see it. If you take anything from this blog post is go see this movie. It's about a troubled teenager who tries to navigate his way in finding a hopeful life in what appears to be a hopeless world.

Halfway through the movie a conversation takes place where they question why people always go for the players? Why people cheat on others and then welcome them back into their lives? Why people accept mediocre when they could have so much more. Has anyone else wondered that?

'We only accept the love we think we deserve' and this really struck a cord with me. As soon as I heard it it was one of those catch your breath moments. It answered many unanswered questions I have in counselling. It made this veil of confusion I have on certain issues in my life fade away. Simply because it speaks so much truth. If I'm honest my thoughts immediately turned to my ex Simon. Still today when he is brought up people still say 'but you were so perfect for each other' 'you never seemed to be unhappy' and the most common being 'How can you go from being together to just not? It was like you flipped.' And even though I have moved on now and happier. There are still questions and unanswered feelings around that time. It was such a blur! But when I heard this quote it was almost like it answered everything! It's amazing how something does that, isn't it?

Sometimes giving a person your everything never seems like enough. I know after the break up I certainly went through a vicious cycle of feeling sad and then really confused. Why didn't it work out? Why did I reject someone who loved me? Why do some people make relationships last and I just can't?

Why, why and why?!? But the simplest answer is that we truly do only accept the love we think we deserve. I always thought I deserved to be spoilt and treated like an angel. I had this notion that as soon as I met a guy I liked I would slowly check off my tick boxes like travel, save up for a place, talk about marriage etc. I got that and realised I didn't deserve it. In fact I hated being the apple of someone's eye. I have slowly begun to realise that it is us who has the power to change things. We can't change other people but the real authority for change in our lives, is us. When we are sad about something we give ourselves the right to cry. When we are confused we give ourselves the right to question. When we are angry we give ourselves the right to vent. So why don't we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?

And this is what I have always grappled with and it's a constant battle.

Last summer when I chose to end my relationship. The relationship that appeared to have everything. I gave myself the right to leave it. It wasn't abusive. It wasn't because I thought I deserved better and didn't want to settle. I wanted to give myself the chance to acknowledge some demons in my life and I wanted to give Simon the opportunity to be loved, the way he deserved to be.

I am human and have many faults. I had so many people say to me 'I am sure your ex would have wanted to help you. Why leave a relationship when you have the support right there in front of you?' But I have realised over the last few months that my imperfections aren't reasons to make do and stay in relationships. I gave myself the right to make a choice. I was not happy and I had to do what was only fair to better myself. Some have called it bravery? I think not. But it was almost like I came to a cross road and to some people it looked like I had decided to take the road less travelled. Yet by doing so it has made all the difference in the world to me.

I will never ever say no to love. I will continue to love on those around me and I am slowly starting to allow others to love on me too. Don't settle for less, don't just expect more. Just give yourself the right to pave your way in life.

After all, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve.

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