Monday, 7 April 2014

We only accept the love we think we deserve

I have just got back from a wonderful weekend celebrating my blog friend Laurie's 30th birthday in Edinburgh. I had the best time and it was so fun to get away, meet new people and race adults on space hoppers. I certainly got to release my inner child. I have evidence too.

One of my favourite parts of the weekend was settling down to watch a movie on Saturday night. Laurie and I watched The Perks of being a Wallflower. I have read about this film but as always life gets in the way and I haven't had a chance to see it. If you take anything from this blog post is go see this movie. It's about a troubled teenager who tries to navigate his way in finding a hopeful life in what appears to be a hopeless world.

Halfway through the movie a conversation takes place where they question why people always go for the players? Why people cheat on others and then welcome them back into their lives? Why people accept mediocre when they could have so much more. Has anyone else wondered that?

'We only accept the love we think we deserve' and this really struck a cord with me. As soon as I heard it it was one of those catch your breath moments. It answered many unanswered questions I have in counselling. It made this veil of confusion I have on certain issues in my life fade away. Simply because it speaks so much truth. If I'm honest my thoughts immediately turned to my ex Simon. Still today when he is brought up people still say 'but you were so perfect for each other' 'you never seemed to be unhappy' and the most common being 'How can you go from being together to just not? It was like you flipped.' And even though I have moved on now and happier. There are still questions and unanswered feelings around that time. It was such a blur! But when I heard this quote it was almost like it answered everything! It's amazing how something does that, isn't it?

Sometimes giving a person your everything never seems like enough. I know after the break up I certainly went through a vicious cycle of feeling sad and then really confused. Why didn't it work out? Why did I reject someone who loved me? Why do some people make relationships last and I just can't?

Why, why and why?!? But the simplest answer is that we truly do only accept the love we think we deserve. I always thought I deserved to be spoilt and treated like an angel. I had this notion that as soon as I met a guy I liked I would slowly check off my tick boxes like travel, save up for a place, talk about marriage etc. I got that and realised I didn't deserve it. In fact I hated being the apple of someone's eye. I have slowly begun to realise that it is us who has the power to change things. We can't change other people but the real authority for change in our lives, is us. When we are sad about something we give ourselves the right to cry. When we are confused we give ourselves the right to question. When we are angry we give ourselves the right to vent. So why don't we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?

And this is what I have always grappled with and it's a constant battle.

Last summer when I chose to end my relationship. The relationship that appeared to have everything. I gave myself the right to leave it. It wasn't abusive. It wasn't because I thought I deserved better and didn't want to settle. I wanted to give myself the chance to acknowledge some demons in my life and I wanted to give Simon the opportunity to be loved, the way he deserved to be.

I am human and have many faults. I had so many people say to me 'I am sure your ex would have wanted to help you. Why leave a relationship when you have the support right there in front of you?' But I have realised over the last few months that my imperfections aren't reasons to make do and stay in relationships. I gave myself the right to make a choice. I was not happy and I had to do what was only fair to better myself. Some have called it bravery? I think not. But it was almost like I came to a cross road and to some people it looked like I had decided to take the road less travelled. Yet by doing so it has made all the difference in the world to me.

I will never ever say no to love. I will continue to love on those around me and I am slowly starting to allow others to love on me too. Don't settle for less, don't just expect more. Just give yourself the right to pave your way in life.

After all, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve.


Laura Anne said...

I think that quote may have to join my inspiration wall. So glad to have spent this last weekend with you lovely ladies!! :)

Stacie said...

Very well said. I'm sure you know you never have to explain yourself to others- but it does sometimes just make you want to tell them to shut up, doesn't it? If you are happy then that is all that matters. :)

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