Tuesday, 11 February 2014

All Too Well

Five weeks ago I started counselling. After the first session I came home and I cried my eyes out. In fact I cried the second I walked out of the counselling centre, to my car, during the drive home and through my front door.

It was so much tougher than I thought possible. I had so much I wanted to say. I was feeling so many things that I didn't want to feel. And I couldn't make any sense of any of it. I just felt messy! After my first session I had people question whether it was the right thing because of how down I was afterwards. If I was honest I dreaded the second session because I did not want to feel like a crazy mess again. I knew counselling wouldn't be easy. I knew I would have to talk about difficult things, ruminate on old feelings and come face to face with some harsh truths.

That doesn't mean because I expected it, made it any easier.

However, each week has become more - tolerable. I won't say I look forward to counselling but I am a lot more aware of it's importance for me to have it. From my first session 5 weeks ago to my session now I can certainly feel a difference. I feel like I have a lot more awareness of my thought processes. I am able to decipher things more clearly and I tend to filter negative thoughts better too. I also find that I am able to talk more openly about my issues than I did before. I don't feel as ashamed or as scared of what others may think right now.

Tonight I came away from my session with a smile on my face. I really felt like I didn't hit a brick wall this week and a lot of things made so much more sense to me. Hopefully in time I can share this with you all. But right now, I feel a little invigorated that I am starting to get things and work out this crazy brain of mine.

On the way home tonight I was listening to Taylor Swift (I have been to see her in concert twice this week) and this song came on. I cried happy tears. It just made me think of my journey with anxiety and depression. I know what it's like to run the storm of this illness but also to bask in its much more sunnier days…all too well.




I know that Swift wrote this as a love song. However, the fist few lines are sung so close to home with me. 


'I walked through the door with you, the air was cold, but something bout' it felt like home somehow.'

Since July I have battled with trying to accept my mental health problems but I have had them stagnated within me for years. Depression and anxiety has followed me through my front door, my exams, birthdays and education. It has befriended me in such a way that I became used to it and it was like the 'norm'. It has this 'sweet disposition' of polluting your mind with doubt, worry and negativity.

So then when you finally crumble, like I did last July, and realise you've had this ugly illness tripping you up on your heels. You decide to fight it.

But it's so hard and it's easy to go back to the way you were. Depression loves that. I remember all too well the amount of times I wanted to quit the battle and say 'you did it mentality - you win. I'm tired.'

'Running scared. I was there. I remember it all too well.'

So please if you have or are ever in a situation like mine. Please don't give in. There are people who want to listen and talk to you. There are people who want to send you an encouraging message, song or email. They exist.

Depression and anxiety exist too. But they don't sit there messaging/emailing/tweeting you words of encouragement. They don't tell you you can get through this. They don't let you get lost in translation.

I'm planning on killing them both with kindness. Because reaching the other side is a great feeling. And slowly I am having to accept that having depression is part of my life but it doesn't mean it takes over it.

1 comment:

Brooke said...

Such good news. That first step is huge and takes so much courage. Keep doing well. : )

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