Sunday, 5 January 2014

Advice Please.

Regardless of whether people feel this post is appropriate it is something I want to get off my chest. It has been in draft all week but I am intrigued to see if people agree or could give another reasoning.

I won't mention said ex boyfriend's name in this post and I do want to point out I am not intentionally trying to sound cruel. I know this is the internet but I also know said ex boyfriend has moved on and very doubtful he follows this blog anymore.

When my ex and I were together it was only natural I introduced him to my friends. He became very friendly with my best friend's partner. Since we broke up they have kept in contact but my ex has also wanted to stay in contact with my best friend too. In November Kath (my best friend) text me asking if I was okay about them three meeting up. I was at the time! I have to stress I really did not mind at all because at the end of the day it was me who broke up with my ex. However, over new year Kath was telling me about their meal with my ex and I felt really uncomfortable. It was the first time in a few weeks that I found my anxiety coming back, I couldn't sleep and just generally felt very weird about it.

I guess imagining them three meeting up and then them actually meeting up were two very different scenarios in my head! Over new year I also found out that my ex is seeing a new girl. I have to be honest I am really pleased for him but I keep thinking in my head 'what if the four of them meet up and double date?' or 'why does my ex have to see my friends? does he not have his own?' I have HUGE issue with my best friend meeting his new girlfriend! I really don't feel it is okay and I don't think he realises how being in contact with MY friends really irks me. It just feels like I want to move on but I can't because he is still attached to me somehow. I messaged my ex for the first time today in a very long time putting my feelings down. He didn't reply, nor did I expect him too but I guess I just hoped after everything we went through together he'd have the respect to understand this isn't very fair on me.

I won't lie I started getting quite upset. I spoke to Kath who has said she understands and won't see my ex unless she has to, due to the fact her boyfriend and my ex are good friends. It all sounds a mess but what I really want to know is - am I being unreasonable and unfair? I have moments where I feel like a real cow and then times where I just want to cry my eyes out over it.

I just want to hear your thoughts on this situation. Am I being dramatic and over paranoid? or quite right in thinking that this situation is bizarre and unfair on the people involved?


Amanda Louise said...

I don't know if it's bizarre, but I don't think you're overreacting. It's normal to be okay with a hypothetical and then feel differently when reality sets in. I think it's good that you shared your feelings with your friend, and great that she is respecting them. If you all live near each other I don't know if it's possible to 100% cut someone out of your life, but hopefully knowing she isn't going to seek him out gives some comfort? Although not with an ex, I've had some exposure this year to trying to put things (and people) behind me and having them keep pop up. Moving on is such hard work, and little steps by little steps. Chin up dear friend!

Mary said...

I can tell you that it would really bother me as well. You're not being unreasonable. I think you took a step in the right direction by talking to your friend about your feelings; it's not good to keep them all bottled up inside. Hang in there!

Caz said...

I can't say it wouldn't hurt or upset me.. and I don't really think your being unreasonable..

But.. I don't think you can really do anything to change or prevent this situation.

He's moved on and you've said your happy for him, but you want him to stay away from people who are your friends? I think at the end of the day it's really up to your best friend and her partner.
If her partner wants to keep your ex as a friend then it's important you let that happen because if you don't it could very well upset your friendship with your best friend.

starryheart said...

think u should have trusted ur friend kath and trusted she'd avoid seeing him if she could. Rather then then going to ur ex and telling him the same thing! Doesnt show much for ur trust in her does it. And to be honest, once partners are introduced etc and they break up, this typically happens. U cant stop people being friends. Doesnt mean his new gf (if he has one) is going to be her new best friend etc, think uve reached the age where u dnt just switch best friends. And to be honest ur not being very grown up about this. U should talk to them all together if u have a problem with it so everyone can talk n sort it out. Its not easy to move on but u have to face the consequences if ur going to break up with someone. Maybe it helps him that hes still got that connection to u through them, how do u know hes moved on/ doesnt care? Coz of what uve heard? Not everything u hear is correct, hes hardly going to tell everyone how much he misses u etc wen u broke up with him n hes trying to get past it. Seeing kath n partner might help as hes probably gt quite close to them in the past year or so and u need those closest To u when going through a rough time.

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