A patient of mine this week said something that keeps repeating on me constantly at the moment. She had just had knee surgery and was struggling to mobilise.
'You need to climb the mountain in order to see the view'
It seems so obvious doesn't it? But this has spoken volumes to me as I think it has pretty much explained the last 8 weeks. I feel like I have climbed a mountain and now I am slowly seeing the view it has waiting for me at the top of it.
If someone had told me 8 weeks ago there was a light at the end of the tunnel I would not have believed them. I was living in such a surreal, weird and scary time. All I saw was darkness and I was void of any emotion.
For those of you who have sent me emails, messages, texts and even phones calls. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. The journey of this depression has not been easy. I didn't think it would be either. The lows have been so low but I have had many happy moments where I know I can battle this. In the last 10 days or so I have started to feel a lot like me again. How I was feeling since about Australia/Christmas time! I find getting up a lot easier and I look forward to more things than dread them. I am understanding what triggers my negative emotions more and I am starting therapy this month too. I also have a wonderful counsellor who I can call when I need someone completely removed from the situation to talk to.
There are some positives steps happening which are helping me climb the mountain to the top.
On the other hand I have also started to realise how many people I have hurt/made worry too. I know it is not completely my fault. This was going to happen sooner than later. I was running on empty and so burnt out. Now that I am slowly getting better I am also reflecting on some of the decisions I have made along the way. I wish I hadn't shut so many people out as I did. As open as I was on here and to close family/friends. There are still some people that don't know the full story and it will take time for me to share it with them. I am okay with that.
I also deeply regret the decision I made in breaking up with Simon. I realise now I would have benefitted in having him alongside me in all this. As looking back I know he would have been my biggest supporter. The illness made me doubt everything in my life at the time and I so wish I could turn the situation around. People have been asking if we are getting back together. That's up to him but I trust he is in a good place right now and I don't want to spoil it for him. He deserves to be happy. As much as I have hurt since all this happened, in many ways, he has had to deal with so much more. I love him more than the sun. This is all I have to say on the matter because it is still quite personal and I don't want to share too much.
The only way to describe depression is like this little devil that sits on your shoulder and distorts everything you believe to be true. It makes you doubt constantly and makes you question every decision. It wants you to have a negative life but you need the courage in you to resist it and just rest. I can completely understand how people with disorders like anorexia look in the mirror and see a fat person. Depression plays this clever game of tricking you and it's heartless. I am NOT a person that sits still but these last few weeks have taught me that sometimes being still and not rushing helps you to heal. Distractions like work do help because it gives me purpose! But as much as I hate my own company at times I have needed to allow myself the chance to have space and breathe a little!
Depression lies, it bitterly lies to you. There are quite a few people at the bottom of the mountain that I so desperately want to share the view with right now.
Thank you, again, for listening. The view is getting a little brighter for me...I can only hope I stay in this position to see it brighten further.