Monday, 5 December 2011

A mix of everything.

I have been fairly quiet on the blogging front for a couple of weeks. I pre-planned the last couple of posts which I hardly do unless I am away on holiday.

The main reason is because I was feeling (to put it bluntly) like crap. I went through a period for about a week where as soon as I went to bed I would cry, proper crocodile tears. I had no idea why but I just felt really sad and alone.

The weird crying soon stopped and all of a sudden I was just angry...all the time. I was angry at my friends, family and even my patients. I didn't want to nurse them one bit, in fact I didn't want to be at work full stop!!!

Things really heated up last weekend when I had a massive argument with my brother and sister. It was over something trivial but it was the last straw. So I moved out for a couple of days to get away from it all. I luckily had a couple of days off from work and a great friend who talked things through with me. I needed to work out why I was so darn miserable!

Once I started talking the understanding soon arrived and I came to realise some things that I hope at least some of you can relate to.

  • Three of my friends are moving, to other countries. My work pal Marian is off to New Zealand to nurse out there, my close friend Andy is off to Australia for a year and my old school mate Tom is going to Canada for good. They all leave in January within 4 days between them going. It is only now that I realise how little time I have left with them and just how MUCH I am going to miss their company. It just really really sucks! The part that hurts the most is they really don't realise how much they mean to me and with 7 weeks til they leave I have only just realised myself :(
  • Work has been TOUGH! The longer I am qualified the more responsibility I get in terms of managing the ward and staff etc, which I don't like. I find it very gratifying that I am trusted to be in such a position but I am also just a year qualified and only 22! It's scary and there are days where I dread going to work because I don't want to be put in charge of 26 patients and 7 members of staff. I don't do delegation (my friends would tell you differently haha!)
  • There has been a lot of angst in my closest group of friends. I won't go into the details because it's unfair on them but it just feels like we're drifting apart. I feel like I have to make so much more effort for the group to remain together to the point I give up. It should not have to be this hard!
  • Finally, one of my dreams has been to work in a third world country and take part in a nursing programme for a couple of weeks. Unicef approached my hospital and wanted to know if anyone was interested. Was I interested? YES!!! Can I afford 2k+spending to go? No! It sucks how money has such an influence on things :(
It feels better just typing it out on my blog and to just vent it out. When I get upset I regress. I don't like opening up to people. I'm a good listener for others but I never want to burden people with my issues. However, things have gotten better!

I went back home Friday and we all apologised so things are better on the home front. I talked to my manager about my insecurities and we agreed to build me up slowly. I have no choice I have to learn to take charge of my ward but I will in baby steps. My friends are still going away :( - but I feel more happy for them than sad for me. The guys and I are going Go-Karting this weekend, it will be awesome to see them!!! And the Unicef programme can wait and even if it doesn't happen that's okay.

I think I've realised that I can't cram everything I want to do in life right this second, which before the meltdown seemed possible! Is anyone else like that? I always take on TOO much and I'm too young to be doing it. "Just bloody well enjoy yourself girl!" is what I keep saying to myself right now. I need to learn how lucky I am to have friends to miss, to have a job I do really enjoy and that I have a family to argue with sometimes. And friends who send me these surprises to cheer me up...(thanks Neil!)

So yeah that's what's been happening in a but shell. I am MUCH happier right now and I have so much to look for ward to in the lead up to Christmas in 20 DAYS!!! Please tell me you've had your moments too and make me feel a little sane right now?


ktjane said...

And now, I will be the kindly older friend (as I am now 30) and say that we all go through this. I went through a whole year like you've been experiencing, and as I was coming out of it, I began to blog. Talking about it helps, and even if you don't want to post all your business on your blog (and you shouldn't). If you ever need an objective listening ear, you can always email me! (

Kristen said...

Oh Becca so sorry to hear you have been having a difficult time. It's always hard, when your going through the midst of it, to see that people go through these issues too.

Your an awesome girl with a splendid heart who can't always be happy and make others happy all the time. But you try and at times you succeed which is a gift.

Colette said...

You shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling down Becca, remember your shifts play havoc with your sleep patterns and lack of sleep messes with us all.

I'm so proud you felt able to approach your boss and admit that you were feeling a little overwhelmed. That must have been tough to do!

Doria said...

I can in no way relate to friends leaving me and moving to other countries anytime soon. I've noticed how i feel like all of my friends are just asshats lately. they don't talk to me anymore and i've noticed we don't agree on a lot of things, so perhaps they just aren't the friends I need. Like you said we must be growing apart or something. That and their lives and hearing them talk about them just makes me MISERABLE. Thats awful isn't it! Ugh and Christmas. I am not ready for Christmas and I don't want it to be in 20 days. ::hugs::

a life of color said...

Keep your head up girl!!!!!!!

Janet said...

Poor Girl! I know how you feel though! Been out of sorts myself, but I am feeling better, so, let's keep our chins up and have say goodbye to 2011 with a smile!

Holly said...

I totally know how you feel about friends leaving an moving overseas. A good friend of mine just moved back to the UK in September, partly as a result of the earthquakes. Although we Skype and FB nearly every day, and I know she'll come back and visit eventually, it's still awful. I cried WAY more than I expected to. Also, out of curiosity, where in NZ is Marian moving to? I'll laugh if it's Christchurch, hahah!

I think it's really good that you talked to your manage about feeling overwhelmed at work. I hope you can do things slowly so you feel like it's more manageable.

Stacie said...

The early 20's can be rough. I just had a conversation today about not wanting to relive mine. There are lots of transitions during these years and throw a career into the mix and it just gets crazy! Good for you for being in charge- I liked being in charge but it's not for everyone. However, I did it with years of experience under my belt so I can see how that would make anyone nervous. Glad they will work with you. Hang in there! You can do it- I've got 10 years on your age and more than that on nursing. I can't promise it will get easier but dealing with everything will. :)

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