Monday, 19 December 2011

Failing.

This is a pride thing for me but I hate to fail. I'd find it weird if someone actually did like failing. But this week I felt like a failure.


I had to do a maths exam this week in order to progress with the responsibility of being in charge. Those baby steps I talked about with my manager are still happening...and this test was one of them. I am meds trained and as a nurse I can give drugs to people. However, my hospital have brought out this extra maths test for nurses in charge. Maths and I fall out BIG time! It was the subject I despised at school and I really struggle with it....to the point of hyperventilating tears over the darn maths language (because that's what it is to me, it might as well be Chinese writing!)


I took the test and I failed. I found out today I failed by one mark. One flipping measly point!


I was beside myself on Thursday after the exam. I just knew I had done badly even though I revised and practised and practised. But I still failed. I just could not shake it off. I know I can re-sit it. I know that I can pass and I know where I went wrong but I felt like a failure. I have never failed an exam in my life and I guess it is a pride thing. I know I should get over myself!


I failed at something to do with my career and I felt awful. A nurse that can't add up or convert without the help of others. A nurse who sees mls and mg as another language. I felt like I didn't deserve my role any more. As exaggerated as that sounds I really did!


To say the weekend was quite depressing was an understatement. I felt miserable and anything someone would say to cheer me up I would not allow it to make me feel better. One of my good cyber friends sent me a link to a video which said "to never fail = you haven't lived" and it's so true! I have failed in other things (i.e. took me 3 times to pass my driving test haha) but because this was directly linked with a job I am insanely proud to be doing. It really hurt!


It wasn't until yesterday when I went into town and I saw a man looking really puffed out and more blue than he should look for winter! I told him to sit down and he told me he was having a bad angina attack. He had his medication with him but everyone was panicking that he was having a coronary! Trust me, he wasn't but he was carrying his necessary meds and I helped him take it, then he felt better and carried on Christmas shopping! He didn't know I was nurse and the last thing he said was "we need more caring people like you in the world" and it was then I realised. 


I don't need to be an Einstein at Maths to be a good nurse. It would help but it doesn't and shouldn't affect the care one receives. 


Whatever you aren't so good at, please remember this. Failure doesn't define what you do or who you are. Maths can go do one in my book! But I'm going to get through it, just not right now. So whether your not good at art, driving, seeing friends as well as you should do or just rubbish at remembering the time of day. To fail = means your living and your human! It just took a million tears to realise it :)


Oh and who likes my family Christmas tree? Decorating it certainly cheered me up!

11 comments:

laura anne said...

You are an amazing nurse Becca, and I totally get where you're coming from because is sucks to fail. And yet it is part of life.

I remember supporting friends studying to be doctors when they failed exams. Most of them had never failed a test before. They'd spent their lives getting top marks in pretty much everything, so failing was a tough lesson. But I know that some of them who failed and had to resit - it made them better doctors, because they REALLY learned it - not just learned enough to pass that exam.

JK Rowling talks about failure and how if you never failed, you've not really lived or taken enough risks in life. (look up her Harvard Commencement address on YouTube - it's really inspiring!)

Proud of you, and glad that you got that encouragement nursing on the streets!

Colette said...

Oh Becca I know how you feel.

When I have to learn something I really hate it's like I have a mental block and the knowledge just won't stick however hard I try and revise.

You can do it though, I think you have to push aside your hatred. Try not to cram too much, I think you probably overdid it a little and boredom kicked in and stopped you from learning.

Good luck for the next time. Your nursing abilities are not judged on how good you are with numbers!

Suki said...

Becca, I am sorry you failed but you now this is how life teaches us that the things you are most upset about might not matter that much.

Good luck for trying another time.

Doria said...

Very pretty tree! I'm glad you've cheered up. You will get another shot and pass with flying colors. You're rawking, caring nurse and person. Don't let studies get you down! :))

Starlight said...

I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm sure you'll pass next time. *hugs*

Callie Nicole said...

I love that last paragraph, Becca, you are so right! Don't be too hard on yourself. You are still a wonderful nurse even if you don't have all the math stuff down, and I'm sure you'll pass next time!

Holly said...

I want a *like* button for this post.

You are exactly right. You will pass this test the next time you take it, and in ten or 15 years time, it will not matter even the tiniest little bit that you needed to resit it! You probably will not even remember.

That man, however, probably will remember how you helped him! :)

BTW I love your Christmas tree!

Kristen said...

Your so so so right. We're human and we need to fail in order to grow. You will pass eventually lady and you'll have a lot more to show for it.

ktjane said...

Hugs to you, Rebecca! No one likes to fail, but just because things don't go as planned doesn't mean that it won't be okay in the end! Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Mere said...

I get the whole "faling" thing sucks, but the fact that you failed that math exam by one point does not make you anything short of an AMAZING nurse. It feels awful right now, I'm sure, but the sting will go away I'm sure. Are you able to retake it one day??

Love, Mere

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, the most important thing is for you to remain happy! A nurse does not need to have amazing mathematical ability. They need to be kind, compassionate and caring; you seem to have all those things! Good luck with everything!

Jay

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