Saturday, 12 February 2011

I have a secret to share.

A couple of weeks ago I revealed that I was taking part in Holly's blog secret. It's where you write a post on a secret you have never shared before and someone else posts it, just not under your name. So my secret is not on here it is on someone else's blog. So today I am posting an anonymous person's secret. I have no idea who they are and I have never heard their secret before. This is not my secret. It is their's to share, my blog is just the platform to where it is kept. If you want to see a list of everyone's secrets then head over to Holly's blog. You never know you might find mine ;).

Welcome to Blog Secret 2011!

"Eight years ago, I met a girl. She was not merely a girl though. She was perfect in every way that I could describe. She was always smiling, funny as hell and never let anything get her down. She had long, fiery red hair; deep blue eyes that held emotion like magic. By the time that I was 15, I knew that I had fallen in love with her. I was dying to tell her how much I wanted to hold her and love her and be with her; how I wanted to run my fingers through her soft hair. The thought of kissing her was like sweet, sweet water in the middle of a hopeless desert.

You might have been able to anticipate (since this is a post about a secret) that I am also a girl. What you might have not anticipated, however, is that I was already dating a boy. It was a new relationship at the time, maybe a few weeks. He didn't know about my secret love for my friend. She had came over to my house to stay the night. I made a giant bed on the floor for us, like any girl would at a sleepover. I mean, it's almost code.

We ended up sending a note back and forth, as silly as that is. She told me that she thought she loved someone. As my eyes read this, I didn't know whether my heart was going to sink or soar. I scribbled back, asking who the guy was. She hesitated, and drew an arrow to my sloppy handwriting. At first, I didn't realize what she had meant. I was, I suppose, in a shocked state. It wasn't until she pointed her sweet, small finger at me that I figured it out. I gasped. She hid under the blanket. I wrote down, in both fear and joy, "I think I love you too" before setting it on her pillow and flipping over with my back to her.

I don't think we wrote anything else that night. It was a night full of confusion and terror and rejoicing and worry. I didn't even think about what my boyfriend would think. We didn't do anything but go to sleep pondering what all of this meant. I wish that I could've read what she was thinking. I don't know what it would've sounded like.

For a while, we skirted around without my boyfriend knowing. We would go hang out at the mall and end up cuddling on a bench. I remember the first time she let me kiss her, and it left my head spinning. I remember the way her cheeks slightly pinked, and her head bowed down, her eyes hitting the space between her shoes. She would stay the night and we would hold each other. We never did anything more. We were truly in love.

I wonder sometimes, if she regretted me; especially after I decided to stay with my boyfriend. She wanted me to leave him and come out and be with her openly. I was not ready for that step. She was hurt deeply to a place where she never wanted to see me again. I chose him and broke her heart, and to this day, when I look at him, I wonder if I made the right choice. I don't know if I was meant to be with him. He was and is still the only man I have been attracted to, and it's nowhere near the intensity that I still am attracted to her.

If I wasn't such a chicken, I would still have her I believe. I think about her all of the time. Does she still think about me? I will never know, because she will never see me again. I've tried to get a hold of her, but the wound is still very deep. I still love her with all that I am.

I'm a lesbian who is dating a man, and in love with a woman, and I haven't been able to tell anyone; until now.

Happy Blogging." 

From reading this, it is a heavy secret to keep and I am proud that my blog is where it will be kept. If you comment, I only ask you to be kind :). Thank you, whoever you are, for sharing.


Janet said...

I really believe you made the right decision however hard it was! Good Luck, and stay happy! x

PAM said...

What a huge secret. I bet it feels great to see the words in print. Wishing this writer happiness.

Carolynne said...

Wow. I have read all the secrets and this is by far the best one. I am so proud that you wrote it and were able to get it out in the open. I admire you so much for writing it.

Lissy said...

wow. now that's a secret!
that could be the basis of a novel.
I hope you find happiness, because that's all that really matters

Kristen said...

I have so much respect for you writing about this. My general feeling is that it is unfair on your boyfriend to be in the dark about it. But as long as your happy it is what you want then go for it!

queenofthecastle said...

Wow. I totally get that you weren't ready to be with her at the time. But I also think that it isn't fair on your boyfriend or you to stay with him when you say you're in love with this girl. Even if you can't find her or can't be with her, you probably owe it to yourself to be honest about how you really feel with your boyfriend, or both of you will end up hurt in the long run.
You probably already know all this and I don't even know you, so sorry! I know where you're coming from, although my experiences are not on the same level. I really really hope it all works out for you :) x

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