Monday, 26 April 2010

Strange Dreams

I am not much of a dreamer at night. If I do have a dream it is very quickly forgotten about as soon as I wake up. Even the nasty ones, which I am thankful for.

Lately, I have actually been waking up in the night due to my dreams and they are so real. It is getting to the point where I don't enjoy going to bed at night. Simply because I know my dreams disturb my sleep and I am cranky in the morning. Secondly, I am beginning to worry about what I will dream about. They are so different every night. I would understand if there was a running trend to my dreams like water, darkness etc.

Courtesy of We Heart It.

Last week I dreamt that I lost my dissertation and I made myself get up at 4am to check it was still on my computer. A couple of nights ago I dreamt that I was in a school at night and was frantically trying to escape. Then last night I dreamt that I was on a swing and kept getting bitten by animals! 

I used to be a great believer of dreams and their meanings but have since not been that interested. I do believe dreams reveal our inner thoughts and feelings without us realising. Yet, I never remember my dreams so I was not really bothered...until now.

I really want this dream phase to be over. I am not feeling overly stressed at the moment, considering I have two weeks off from university/placement. If only I could dream about being on a beach holiday or that I could dream about all the time :)

Have you ever gone through a spell where your dreams are really vivid? Or do you not remember them at all?

Monday, 12 April 2010


If anyone asked me what type of personality I have it is a simple answer. I am the typical type A person. I like to be in control, organised and have a plan. The general idea of 'letting myself go' I find hard, but when I do I have a great time. I guess I do not like the feeling that I have to be in control of my life, but it is who I am and I have always accepted that.

Therefore, one part of my life I do not get along with are my fears. This is because it is pretty much defined by many; that your fears control you. As a result they are in control when in those situations. I think I can say the same for people, who are not like me, feel the same way about what they are fearful of. We all have fears and it is a fact of life. Whether it is heights, spiders, death, unable to conceive children or a certain colour we all have a fear that controls us.

And you know what? I hate that because to me and in my thinking that cannot happen. I like to be control of what I fear. Not the other way round. 

I have many fears but there are two fears that actually make me sweat, palpitate and no lie I find it hard just typing about them here. When I talk about these fears to people some have actually laughed and said 'it's nothing' but to me they are huge mountains to climb when faced with them.

They are vomiting and being upside down. 

I know to some this may sound trivial and I could say the same to people who fear heights and enclosed spaces etc because I don't mind them. But I wouldn't, I would never do that. I know people do not like being sick or being upside down but I have an irrational fear of them.

My fears are quite easy to control because they are not part of everyday life. In most cases I can avoid them. Easy.

The vomiting fear started when I was 16 years old. I had been studying for my Maths GCSE exam and without a pass I could not get onto my college course to get me into Nursing. I studied my butt off for those two exams. Then in the middle of the night my younger brother and sister began vomiting. I panicked. I convinced myself that if I got that sickness bug I would not be able to do that exam. So from then on it became a 'game' of not getting the illness. What annoys me is I did the exam and I did not actually vomit or get the bug. However, that fear has been etched into me ever since. When I get a nauseous feeling that I am going to vomit I cry my eyes out. I have massive panic attacks and I pace the floors and walls. I have only been sick once since my fear started and I fainted afterwards. I do not feel it is something I will ever get over. I can deal with people vomiting, I wouldn't make a good nurse if I could not. Yet, the fear of me vomiting will always be overpowering.

The fear of being upside down does not originate from anything I can remember. I just hate the feeling of it and the head rush. I panic so much that something bad will happen to me. I remember last year a friend of mine 'Fireman' lifted me and I was upside down behind his back. I have never shrieked my head off so badly. As I type this I feel that I come across really pathetic but I am just so fearful of feeling like that!

I have never confronted those fears because 1) I do not want to purposely make myself vomit and 2) it does not affect my everyday life. It just stays in a closet at the back of my head.

However, I recently had to face the fear of being upside down on this thing:

A roller-coaster.

Whenever I have gone to theme parks I have always made sure I went in groups. This is so that I could get out of going on the roller-coasters. But the people who wanted to go on still had someone to go on with. I always thought it was a good tactic to avoid my fear. Just the thought or notion of being upside down for a few seconds fills me with dread. 

However, when I went to Disneyland Paris last week with Lotte it was just us two. Guess what?

Lotte loves roller-coasters. The more loops and twists the better.

I and made the most silly excuses.

I did not want to be in Disneyland any more. I seriously wanted to click my shoes together and be whisked to the comfort of my own home. 

Lotte knew about my fear but she just kept saying I had to face it. I know she did not want to sound selfish but it was no fun for her to go on these rides on her own all the time. All just because they went upside for a few seconds. So I gulped down my pride of trying to avoid the situation and said 'Sure! I'd love to go on with you!'

I did not sleep all night. I engulfed myself with ideas that something bad would happen. It sounds trite but I was convinced that my fear would jinx the ride.

Waiting in that queue line felt like a century. My heart was thumping out of my chest and I could not feel my own fingers because I was biting them so much. I hid my crying eyes with my hair so I did not have to admit to a queue of people that I was afraid of being upside down on the loops and corkscrews. I remember at one point there was a girl behind me eating a hot dog! I just kept saying to Lotte how and Earth could she eat at a time like this when she was about to go UPSIDE DOWN! I must have sounded like some crazy and irrational young lady.

But that's exactly what I was! It was almost laughable.

Once we were locked into the ride I just closed my eyes and burst into more tears whilst we were transferred to the black tunnel (of doom).The whole time I had my eyes closed shut and I could feel exactly when we went upside down and I felt every corkscrew. My head was being chucked everywhere and there was music blaring into my ears. It was horrible!

Once the ride was over I have never escaped so quickly. I remember Lotte saying 'You faced your fear I am so proud of you' and you know what it wasn't until she said that that I had realised what I achieved. Once we had come off I was checking every ounce of me for a scratch or anything to prove that being upside down for parts of that ride had done something horrific to me. As I type that I realise how melodramatic I was :)

Yet, it slowly dawned on me that I was okay and that my fear of being upside for any momentary period was not as scary as I first thought. I always hear my Mum's words of usually things are not as scary as we make them out to be. It is so true! I had created this monster and this fear being twice the size than it actually was.

I will not say that my fear has been eradicated.

I confronted it on a roller-coaster.

Now I am less fearful. 

I am sure next time there will be less tears. After all as said in 'A Cinderella Story' - Never Let The Fear Of Striking Out Keep You From Playing The Game. Although my fears do not interrupt my life on a regular basis I am satisfied in knowing that they cannot stop me from enjoying life when faced with them.

But I am certain I will not be asking someone to lift me upside down just to see :)

Do you have any fears? 
Do you react the same way as I do?

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Audrey's Story.

I remember when I first got into blogging I came across Angie Smith's blog. She was expecting her fourth daughter at the time. Unfortunately, her sweet Audrey Caroline passed away 2 1/2 hours after birth. The one aspect that I find awe-inspiring of the Smith family was how they never gave up hope! There was not for one second any doubt that a miracle could not happen from the time of diagnosis to her passing.

Today is Audrey's 2nd birthday. The video below is Angie's creation that she made as a legacy to Audrey. Audrey's story has had a profound effect on me and she really takes me breath away. I have only watched it a couple of times and it leaves me in tears for a little baby who stole so many hearts :)

Please take the time to watch this beautiful story that is still being written.

Sweet Audrey-Girl from angie smith on Vimeo.

"This is our beautiful fourth daughter Audrey Caroline, and we marvel at the miracle that she was to us, even in just 2 1/2 hours. God never sees the story broken and in pieces the way we do; He sees it as part of the magnificent tapestry of our lives, bringing Him the glory He deserves. " - Angie Smith, (Audrey's proud Mum :)

May peace be with you today and always.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Are you asleep?...No I'm too excited!!!

I hope you all had a fantastic Easter! Even though I am not a believer in Christianity I have loved reading the scripture, thoughts and feelings about Easter time on your blog posts. It always has and always will be so much more than the chocolate eggs I am feasting on at the moment. The love, light and faith during this season certainly has shone out to me :)

If you live in the United Kingdom the title of this post comes from the Disneyland advert. I had a brilliant time in Paris. I was sooo excited I barely slept a wink, even if I did have to get up at 4.45am!

Sadly, it did rain - a lot - when I was in Paris and the rain got into my memory card on my digital camera. It was safe to say the memory card is damaged and I cannot get my pictures off. My friend Lotte and I made a deal (as we had forgotten out camera chargers!) that I would picture take in Paris and she would do the picture taking in the theme park. So I do not have my Parisian pictures but I do have the memories and I am very thankful for that :)

So Paris itself was gorgeous and even despite the rain we went shopping, saw all the sites, ate ice -cream and went for a cruise down the Seine river. I even followed the advice of my bloggy friend Amanda and went to a small island called Berthillon behind Notre Damn. It was so scenic and full of culture. Plus it has the best lollipops and sorbets! I can see why she relished living there so thank you Amanda for telling me about it :)

Then we went to Disneyland Paris!!! I cannot tell you how excited I was to go there. I had been before but not for very long. I grew up in love with the Disney films. My favourites are The Little Mermaid and Alladin :) (with 101 Dalmatians a close third!). Below are some thousand pictures:

 One of the first things we did was buy Minnie ears. Believe me we looked odd in the crowd if we weren't wearing them. Behind us is the 'Mark Twain' steamboat which was the same style boat Walt Disney used for when he first illustrated Mickey Mouse in 'Steamboat Willie."

It rained heaps on our first day and we got soaked. We did not let it dampen our spirits though. In fact the queues for the rides were much quicker :)

When we weren't in the park we were still acting like kids. This is me jumping onto my hotel bed. The hotel was themed Cowboys and Indians.

We saw a fantastic stuntman and car show. They were beyond talented. It was all in French which to me made it far more interesting!

I was adamant I was NOT going on this ride but Lotte persuaded me! I was SO scared due to the height and the fact it dropped you from such a height. I had my head burrowed into some poor man's shoulder the entire time. I was not hungry afterwards, my tummy was doing flips!

One of the park's was called Walt Disney Studios and we got to watch showings of how the Disney characters are animated and made. The picture above are some of the original drawings by Walt Disney of Mickey Mouse. We also saw a showing on the life of Walt Disney which was incredible! After all without him there would be no Disney!

Oh if only....

This was the 'I have a dream parade' where all the Disney characters came out on their floats and met the children. The music soundtrack to the parade was magical. I loved it!

In our 3D glasses watching 'Honey I Shrunk The Kids' spin off. 

This was my treat on our last day. A massive green Apple lollipop! It took me forever to get through but very enjoyable! A true kid at heart....

I LOVED every minute and would not hesitate to go back to both Paris and the theme park again!

So in the words of Mickey himself: That's a Wrap!
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