Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Sunshine.

Heya guys :)

After I pressed publish on my last post I could not help but feel that I was saying too much. I know this is a blog but I kind of felt that maybe I put myself out there too much. I typed that post in a moment of desperation to just let it spill out. I had already voiced it all to my Mum and some of my friends...but I just had to keep repeating it. In just the hope that the tears and wretched confusion would just dissapear. I always do that. I over analyse and then the paranoia sets in immediately after. I hate it but I know it is just what I do.

I had a crap rubbish nights sleep on Sunday. So much to the point my Cat left me because she was irrtated with my tossing and turning. I admitted defeat at 6am and turned on my PC. When I saw my comments box, tweets and couple of emails I received, my heart felt that extra bit lighter and I just cried. They weren't crocodile tears, they were tears of utter gratitude.

Your comments, advice and tweets were the biggest comfort of all. I haven't met you, although I would love to, and I felt like you treated me as you had. It was a relief to know that some of you feel or have felt exactly the same way. I know it isn't nice to admit to that, but it is almost like when you are lost at sea (I havent ever been lost at sea lol!). It is just nice to know and feel that some people are sharing in the same boat with you.

The one thing learnt from all your kind words was what I have always known and I only have to read my blog subtext for the answer.

'Let the Sun illuminate the words you cannot find. For we are all Unwritten.'

Words speak powerful volumes. I have learnt from feeling like this that there is no point in trying to force something when I haven't finished the chapter fully yet. Otherwise your story is broken - I hope that's wasn't confusing sorry lol. I think this is something I will have to stick with and see through, whatever the outcome.

Today I still do not feel 100% and I cannot help but feel there are more tears to be shed but I do feel better and more optimistic. I would go into great detail but I think this is something I have to work out independently. I do not want this blog to be based on how low I feel right now, but I do encourage you that whenever you feel down I am here for you all. Always.

I mean this honestly and wholeheartedly: You guys really are my sunshine when times are grey. Thank you so much.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Heavy Hearted.

Hello everyone :)

Today I have just had one of those days. My heart just feels really heavy and the tears will not stop soaking my bed covers.

I remember when I was younger and people called me 'airy fairy.' I was this kid with boundless energy, always out playing and hated being indoors. When I was 8 I went to one of those indoor soft-play areas. I distinctly recollect building up the courage to go on the big slide and just as I went down I looked round to my little sister and said 'this is the best day of my life!'

Those best days seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I know life is unfair. I see it but I will never neccessarily get it. I have found the last couple of years hard. Really hard. I have seen friendships fade away, dreams crushed and forever feeling like I am taking plan B in life.

I know this post seems a little everywhere but that is just how I am feeling tonight. I just feel like I don't see the fun in life anymore. I can't see the adventure. I love my nursing but I am sick of sitting at a computer typing essays when the sun is shining outside and I cant be the kid I want to be enjoying it. In my relationship with my boyfriend we have hit a point where we are struggling. I miss seeing my friends and the days where we used to ring each other and just casually meet up. Now I feel like I am part of their schedules and they are part of mine. I really hate seeing Stellan so sick and feeling powerless over the whole situation.

I guess I feel suffocated and just plain confused. My Mum said to me tonight that I was a 20 year old with my life ahead of me and that I should just stop trying to please all the time. She is completely and utterly right but I just wish I felt it.

I know many of you believe that our lives have this plan. It's neat. I am not asking for my journey to be easy or hard. Just tonight I wish, oh how I wish, I was that kid that thought the best days were going down slides and being known as 'airy' fairy.'

Thank you for listening, friends. Seriously thank you so much :)

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Revealing the Best in You (Blog video)

Heya everyone!

For a couple of weeks I have wanted to do a blog video. I am always writing posts and thought for a change I would do the talking instead of the typing. I just didn't have an idea of what to do a video on. I got the inspiration from the UK edition of Glamour magazine. They were running an article on how to reveal the best in you other than writing posts. I won't say too much as it is on the video but feel free to leave a comment and rate haha! Mostly, enjoy!

I do want to say I really wanted to clean my room but thought that wouldn't be a good reflection of me on my part, but I do try to be organised. I am sorry the camera goes a bit blurry at times and the settings aren't correct. I need either Mel or Stephanie to help me out in that department hehe. Remember to pause the music at bottom.

Thank you :)

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Happy Mothers Day.

In the UK today it is every Mum's day to get pampered - I hope! It's Mother's day and it is such a nice day for it. :)

I got my Mum some hanging flower baskets because she is a big fan of Gardening! She really liked them and because it is warm and sunny my brother, sisters and I are going to do a BBQ for her.

I know it is a Hallmark card holiday but it does make me realise how much I appreciate my Mum. I know I take her for granted. I go to her when I feel down. I go to her when I am annoyed. I go to her when I am ill. I pretty much go to her when I feel really negative and I know that is unfair. I sometimes forget that my Mum is human too and deserves to be part of the really happy moments. Last night I told her I don't appreciate her enough and that I adore her more than she realises. In her reply to me showed that she was my super Mum!

She told me that I do. I do it in more ways than I realised possible. She said we all appreciate her when we say thank you to her for cooking us dinner. When we go out we tell her where we are and what time we will be back so she doesnt have to worry. We take my Gran out for the day so she can take a day off from caring for her so she can relax. When we come home and tell her about our day so she can keep up with her 4 kids lives. She said we appreciate her for being thankful, not filling her with fear for our safety and for letting her see the little things.

The nicest thing she said to me the other day and I will always cherish it was - 'In 14 months time you will qualify as a Nurse. It will make the first 21 years of your life so much more worth the thrill of raising you.'

I cannot wait to make her even prouder. I love my Mum. I really have no idea what I do without her from teaching me about how to use a washing machine to helping me realise that, - in life all you can do is your best and the best will always be good enough!

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.
What is the best thing your Mum has ever shown/taught you?

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Spring Fever.

I have succumbed to Spring Fever.

I love the fact that there is light in the morning when I wake up. I love seeing flowers and leaves on the trees again. I love how when I walk down the street people are smiling and not running to the nearest bus shelter from the rain. I love that it means it is nearly Easter and Summer!

I was speaking to my neighbour today. She sadly lost her husband last Fall and she was saying that the spring weather had made her feel more hopeful for the first time since his passing. She was right - there is that 'something' about blue skies, warm weather, birds twittering and genuine seasonal smiles that make you feel like that most things can turn out for the best. Whatever it is that is niggling you.

I know America is on Spring Break at the moment and I have loved hearing what you guys are getting up to. Lucky people- I hope you all have a great rest! I start mine next week and I cannot wait! I am planning my many picnic trips already.

What is it you love (or maybe dislike?) about Spring?

Also, I want to introduce you to Swagbucks! You collect digital 'bucks' which you redeem for $5 Amazon, Target and Macy's giftcards. For example, if you earn 20 bucks it means you have earned 4x $5 giftcards. This is all for just using their search engine which is powered by google! I have saved up nearly £30 (around $45) and will be buying lots on Amazon soon! I know a blogger, Jessica, has saved up enough to get her son a $250 car seat from Amazon. It is completely legit and a brilliant way to save money. This is the link and I hope you check it out!

Have a good day!

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Comic Relief.

It's the weekend - finally!

I am having a very chilled out weekend after doing a 5 week placement in Theatres/Recovery - I loved every minute of it! I assisted in small operations from endoscopies to hernia repairs and I saw a fair few face lifts and 'nose jobs.' Safe to say I have been put off a lot of the food I have eaten over the last couple of weeks. :)

I think everyone has heard of a charity called Comic Relief . Where we raise money and awareness for Africa and our home countries. The UK go crazy and we title it 'Red Nose Day' where we wear red, raise money and do something silly to come up with funds. Last night I watched a TV marathon for 6 hours - it was brilliant! I think it is amazing and I am brought to tears by the stories. It is a reminder of how selfish I can be sometimes. Last night, the UK bought 4 million Malaria nets in two hours- to prevent Malaria in poverty stricken African countries. They cost just £5 or around $7 in the US. As I was watching I was thinking that yesterday I bought 2 magazines, a bottle of water and a sandwich for that amount. The magazines were glossy gossip, the water had no calories and the sandwich filled my tummy just for lunch.

A Malaria net.

Saves a life...for life. For a fiver!

There was one story that caused my duvet to be soaked with tears. It was of a young Ugandan woman who had 11 month old twin girls called Hope and Joy. They both caught Malaria. Their mother could only carry one baby to the hospital 50 miles walk away, so she took Hope as she was more ill. Once she got there Hope passed away. Hope's mother had to miss her baby's funeral so she could walk the 50 mile stretch home to tend to Joy who was in the care of her 12 year old son. Joy was barely alive but she was given the medication that was meant for Hope and a Malaria net. She lost her Hope that night but she was given hope for the future. They fast forwarded a year and the family are thriving! This was why I tripled my £5 tonight (that I shouldnt have wasted on magazines) towards Comic Relief.

Let's do something funny for money!

These are two English comedians - I just thought it was brilliant and they raised loads doing this . Nobody puts baby in the corner...:)

Have a lovely weekend!

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

I've Been Memed.

I've been memed a few times on Twitter and Facebook. It is just easier to do it on here :)

Rules: Choose the 6th image out of your 6th picture folder from your computer and blog it. Then tag 6 more people to do the same.

The sixth folder on my laptop is titled 'Flares' and the sixth picture is this.

This picture was taken back in Nov 08' and in the picture are my uni friends Sarah and Katie. Our favourite dance club is a 60's and 70's place called Flares. We LOVE it there with all the cheesy music, disco lights and oversized sunglasses. We decided to dress up as 'Nu-Ravers' so that we fitted in this time round! Hence, the bright colours, tutus and headbands. It was a crazy night and so much fun! I remember this night being the cause for one of the worse hangovers in the world the following morning.

I tag all the people who kindly read this blog. I want to see all your memed-ness!

Hope your're having a great week!

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Why Do People Believe in God?

Update: I just want to say I have been so humbled and enlightened over your responses.

It is quite a 'weighty' title and I do not mean to come across as condesending when I typed it. Since starting this blog I have come across many blogs where faith is one of the most talked about topics. It is such a big part of your lives and it is one of the many reasons why I read your posts :)

I have had many emails over the last couple of months from people who have read my blog. They have asked me, in the most nicest of ways, why I believe in the opposite and that they find it really interesting. If any of you who have, kindly, read my blog for some time - I do not believe in God and neither do I want to. Although, I am not atheist either as that means I would not believe in anything and that is not true. I believe in a lot of things, just not Christianity.

I recently went to church with a friend of mine from University as she wanted company to pray for a friend. I sat there and watched her. I was in awe of the way she knelt down and spoke to a God that she trusts and completely felt the presense of around her. However, all I could think about was why does she believe in God? What makes her pray, believe, sacrifice everyday for someone she has not met? How does she know she will meet the King of Kings when she passes on in this life?

My only answer is that - Life is full of unanswered questions,

I may be repeating myself to those who already know. I am a factual person. I need proof, evidence that something existed. My mother is a Christian although she does not practice as much as she would like. My Father is not. They both decided that we would be brought up with my Mum taking us to Church when we wanted to go and she did read the Bible to us. She hoped that one day we would want to be Christened but I have never wanted to, nor, have I ever felt the calling. The only concept or notion I do believe is that the Bible's teachings relate to everyday life. For example, I always relate the story of 'The Feeding of the Five Thousand' to charity. I always relate the story of 'The Good Samaritan' to natural human kindness. I would never say never but at the moment I am happy.

On many occassions I have witnessed death. I have seen people pass away saying to me that they will meet Jesus when they breathe their last breath. I find it utterly breath taking and it has brought me to tears that they have passed away comforted.

I do want to say that I have been very humbled and moved to tears on many occassions from blogs that are so open about how their faith has kept them strong. I do think it is a beautiful way to live out life.

This is what I want to ask you. Why do you believe in God? Is it because you have always been brought up in your religion and it is all you have ever known? Was it a miracle? Did an event happen that made you realise what you were missing?

I am not asking to be converted but I do want to be enlightened :)

I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. I am enjoying the sunshine that has decided to peep out for the first time this spring.

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