Friday, 25 September 2009

Live in fear of helping others,

Heya everyone :)

I did something today that I pretty much vowed I would never do.

I signed up to the organ register and I did not find it at all easy coming to the decision. I can quite happily give blood when I can, do volunteer work and do anything related to helping save lives in my training. However, I just found the idea of doing this too much.

Whenever the subject of organ donation has come up I have pretty much coaxed myself out of talking about it. Why? Mainly because I do not want to make myself feel guilty. I remember one time a staff nurse said to me 'It is ludicrous that health professionals do not sign up to the organ donation because we aim to improve and save lives everyday, how is it any different to when we cease to live?'


I just hated the idea that when I passed away my body was still being operated on, even if it was to save a life. I hated the idea that I was making a decision about something after I died and at my age I certainly do not want to think about that yet.

However, yesterday I went and saw a lung transplant operation because the patient's cystic fibrosis has damaged hers. It was AMAZING! When the young lady came round from her operation she let everyone know that even though she was thankful to be alive, someone died to save her. It was then I decided to stop being fearful and sign up. It was the best and right decision :)

I told her today that I signed up and feel satisfied that I am doing something rewarding when I cease to live on Earth. I am not going to preach the idea here to everyone reading this because I can see why it is a taboo subject. However, one thing this young girl said to me will stay with me forever...

Sometimes we just have to open our eyes and stop living in fear of helping others when we know we can.

Are you on the register or have considered it?

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

This is what shifted...

I have been reading the (in)courage posts and their ideas of hope, love, faith and motivation have been beautiful to read. I decided to do one for my based on someone very special to me.

When I was 5 years old my Granddad exhaled his last breath and he left behind a granddaughter who idolised him. Who still does. Still to do this very day I do not remember it vividly and I am not sure as to whether it was my age or the fact my hero had left this Earth not answering my never ending questions affected it. I am guessing it was both.

At the wake I clearly recollected everyone talking about the memories they shared, the quirky things he did and how he would remind everyone that strawberry season was looming. I remember sitting on a chair in my mandatory black dress with white roses emblazoned on the hem. I reminisced that it would have been better if they were tulips instead- his favourite flower. I didn’t comprehend it was then that I realised he wasn’t coming back to say goodbye. He wasn’t coming home to take me strawberry picking one last time. He was not returning to take the dogs out for yet another walk. He wasn’t visiting to tell me another story, another fairytale of what would happen in my life as I grew up.

He had a knack for that. He always knew what to say and for a five year old little girl who soaked in all his presence at every encounter I believed every word. Of course I was going to meet someone who would sweep me off my feet like the one in Snow White did. I was certainly going to work in the Castle Grove (pub) when I was older because that was where all the bouncy castles, slides and swings were. The fun radiated from that place every summer. And of course I was going to do well at school because they had an annual Grandparents day that I could show my Granddad how many gold stars I had accumulated that week. He told me I could travel the world, all I had to do was swim past the horizon on the sea and I would be in another country admiring the culture it had to offer. He was being harmless. He was the epitome of everything I had been told in story format, unknowingly, been made to believe. He instilled the drive and hope that all the above would happen and never falter. Fairytales did come true and all I had to do was wait…

Yet as I grew up I came to learn that instead of expecting school to come easily, instead of expecting I would find my dream career instantaneously, instead of expecting the right guy would turn up I was doing something that I had never been ‘taught.’


To wish for something with the expectation of its fulfilment.

Sometimes our hopes flourish and sometimes our hope just fades and we feel defeated.

Last week I mentioned something had shifted. I did not see the light and there was no dramatic change. Just my perspective, that’s all. I was on the beach reading a book called ‘How it Ends’ by Laura Wiess. It was a captivating read about a story of a teenage girl who just wanted to find love. The cant-live-without-each-other kind of love. Yet she didn’t realise that that love laid in the spirit of her adoptive grandmother who had weaved all these fairytales to hide the truth. The truth of her heart wrenching past on how hope ends and how it begins. How people are never who they seem but love you so much they are willing to go their grave just to make you happy.

I recall finishing that book and walking to the shoreline. I remember looking at the horizon identifying exactly what my Granddad had told me 14 years ago.

‘All you have to do swim to the horizon…’

When your five years old it is so easy to achieve that statement because he told me I could. He just forgot, behind his beautiful persona, that there will be many waves and sometimes I would be paddling forever. I could always hope to get to my destination but sometimes it is okay if you don’t.

Hope doesn’t come easily.

Yet, it is so easy to place hope in a sentence. I hope I pass my next test. I hope it does not rain today. I hope to get married and have children. I am sure you have reached a certain point in your life where you have felt hope had diminished?

It sounds trite and it may be pretty obvious. Then again if it is then why do we hope and wish in the first place?

Until now, I have realised that my Granddad has instilled something in me, innocently, that he left to work out for myself. I hoped my relationship with my ex worked out but now through the hope in knowing I will meet someone else someday, I realised that love was blind back then. I hoped that my second year of nursing would have come with more prosperity but instead the waves came crashing down on me. To point I felt like I was drowning and there was no hope of feeling like I would breathe again. I used to hope that my Granddad would come back and ‘explain himself’ as to why he made me believe such fairytales, such rubbish when I was in utter despair as to why I was so na├»ve to have believed him!

I may have been five but he made an impression that would last to this very moment in time.

Now I hope that he is sitting in a dainty strawberry field admiring that he did succeed in teaching me that, yes, life is about fairytales.

But only if you hope for the expectation of its fulfilment.

Not require for it to happen because you were told it would.

Hope is possible and I hope that what my Granddad told me will come true. I am not counting on it.

But it’s promising. =)

Now, can I hear an Amen Granddad on your 79th birthday? As you taught me the hard way and you know what? I love you so much for it and happy birthday!

Friday, 11 September 2009

The Day The World Stood Still.

I think it goes without saying that everyone knows this anniversary and what it signifies. I can only describe it as a day that really changed the world as a whole.

I cannot believe it was 8 years ago when truly it really only feels like yesterday it happened. It is one of those days where you knew exactly what you were doing and where you were. It was a day where you wished that what you were seeing on the screen and hearing on the radio was some horrible movie. I remember leaving school and just having that feeling in your gut that 'something' did not feel right. I remember panicking that something had happened to my family and when I heard the news I realised that what I had been fearing was happening to over 3000 other families. How can you even begin to try and comprehend that?

This was reality being laid out before our eyes and still is today a stark truth of a reminder as to what type of world we do live in. We all grieved and felt a huge sense of loss and no words will ever convey the hopelessness.

This morning I saw this image in the paper and I think for the first time I have felt a bit of pride on this day other than just loss. The victims were the heroes we miss terribly, and the thousands of people who tried to save them were the un-sung heroes whom we will thank forever.



A day I will never forget.

Sunday, 6 September 2009

You Asked & I Answered.

Hello all =)

Sorry it has taken me a while to get round to posting these answers. I haven't had the best of weeks since coming home from my holiday. One of my family friend's Jill was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. We are really shocked and my Dad who hardly ever shows any emotion is very upset. Also, one of my university friends was diagnosed with cervical cancer this week and she has to start treatment immediately which means delaying her senior year of nursing. I feel like life really is dealing myself and more so others a lot of heartache this week =(.

I thought the questions were really good and I enjoyed answering them so thank you =)

1) Would you like to visit America? by Anne-Marie.

Oh yes! I would love to especially when the USA have their holiday seasons. I'd love to visit Florida/LA in summer. New York at Christmas! I would love to go to Texas to see the space stations and Washington for it's history. Some of my close bloggy friends live in America and would love to meet them - we'll see!

2) If Wal-Mart sold happiness, where in the store would it be placed and why? By Jennie.

In the UK we do not have Wal-Mart but I want to go. I hear the deals they have all the time but we have a store called Debenhams over here which is similar. Happiness to me would be by all the smellies like perfumes, sprays and hair products etc. It is only because I love to smell good and yummy! I remember at school people would say 'If you were a flower I'd pick you!' well my take was 'If you were a good smell I would pick you' =)

3) If you could travel to any place in history where would it be and why? By Kaylee.

Two places and I cannot choose between them. I would go back to the civil rights movement that MLK led. I really enjoyed learning about it and would have loved to have been apart of something so defining for everyone, particularly Americans. The stories are amazing and I feel such pride knowing that one man and his dream made such an impact. I would also go back to the pre 1900 era purely for the clothes and the idea that women had to be seeked out by men. The mannerisms and demeanours by people back then are nothing compared to now. =)

4) Favourite book as a Kid and now an Adult? By Sam.

My favourite book as a kid was James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl. This author captured my imagination in a heartbeat and when I finished I so wished peaches could fly! My favourite book now could not be any more different haha. It is a close call between To Kill A Mocking Bird and Pride and Prejudice which both reflect the eras in history I would love to go back to! I think Pride and Prejudice I like a bit more though because of the love story =)

5) If you choose anywhere to live where would it be an why? By Suki

Home is where the heart is and that is here in England. I love my home and I would be quite happy to live anywhere down south in the UK. I love living here but I think a nice place by the coast would be my ideal.

6) Did you enjoy school? How did you set about getting your qualifications? By Kristen.

I loved school!!! It took me a while to settle in but once I found my feet I loved every moment. I really do believe school are the easiest and best days of your life compared to the 'real' world as they say. I knew I wanted to go into healthcare so I made sure I got good grades in my sciences, math and health education classes. When I was 16 I had to go to college and I decided to do a Diploma in Health Studies rather than seperate classes called A-Levels. My diploma was the equivilent to 3 A-Levels. I am so glad I did it as it had 18 classes in it and it paved the way to Nursing. Then I applied to do my BSc Honors in Nursing at university and got in on the highest distinction level. I have been doing that for two years and I have one year left =)

7) How were the 'Birds and Bees' explained to you? (I only ask this because my 9 year old niece is asking me all sorts of questions!) By Kristen.

I'd say make sure her mum tells her first haha! I remember I was 8/9 when my Mum told me the full story. I had heard bits here and there at school, by friends, comments from the family etc. I remember it was a Saturday night and I was watching Casualty with my Mum and a girl on the show had been raped and not consented to sex. It was then I turned round to my mum and asked her. She told me it all but nothing too graphic (I learnt that in sex ed at 10 years lol). It wasn't the sex 'thing' that got me though as I kind of a had feeling that something had to happen between a man and woman for a baby. It was the period that scared the hell out of me! But I was pleased to find out that tampons weren't for nose bleeds that my Mum had been telling me haha!

8) How do you define love? By Kirsten.

Whenever someone asked me this I had a different array of sentences each time due to different experiences with guys. However, the 'definition' I go by now is this 'Love is just because...' I feel this rings true for me because in my last placement I was caring for a lady who was dying from cancer. Her husband had brought in a bunch of flowers and she asked him why he had done that. This was his reply 'I bought you a bunch of flowers just because I love you.' I just wanted my heart to burst because to me that completely defines love. I kissed you just because I love you. I held your hand just because I love you. I waited outside in the rain just because I love you. Love is just because...

I enjoyed that. It was fun and I hope you are all have a great weekend! x

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Home Sweet Home.

I am home.

I arrived back late last night after a very enjoyable and relaxing time in Turkey. I want to say I did loads of exciting things and explored but I didnt. I was very lazy, soaked up the sun, ate ice cream and fell in love with reading all over again.

The country itself is beautiful. The resort was lively and I felt at ease straight away. It was very HOT! It averaged about 45 degrees centigrade everyday. Suffice to say it was too hot to do anything touristy because it was all about a 3 hour drive away.

I loved everything about the holiday! The only let down was what I was pre-warned about. The Turkish men annoy the hell out of you. They pestered to the point of annoyance. You couldn't walk down the street without them grabbing you asking you for dates, to try their restaurant etc. Argh! I would still go again in a heartbeat though!!! The food, company, beach, weather and time spent was amazing.

You know when people say a night out is what they needed, a good meal in them was what they needed or just a big hug was what they needed. This break was just what I needed. Time out. A chance to just get away. Something shifted in me during this holiday and I will share with you soon. In the mean time I hope you like some of pictures =)

Turkey 2009...I miss you already.

~ By the way thank you for your questions from the last post. I will answer them soon =). I still have some emails from some lovely people who asked so need to ponder over them. If there is anything you would love to know about me then just leave a comment or send me an email. Have a lovely week!

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