Sunday, 24 May 2009

turning a frown upside down.

When I was a little girl my grandad used to tell me all the time that life is for filling with fairytales. He just forgot to tell me before he passed away that not all of them have happy endings.

I'll be honest until yesterday evening I was feeling fine. I have been telling people that even though it is sad to go through a break up, that my exams coming up should be okay and that I will get through my next nursing placement, even though I have heard the people are horrid! I have told everyone I will be okay. I wish I had been honest....

...because yesterday my aunty, as kind hearted as she is, decided to bring it all up in the middle of my sisters birthday party and what do I do? I cried. I bawled like the pain was just as real as it was a couple of weeks ago. Then my little sister, the birthday girl, came up to me and was so angry that I took the attention off her for the day. In fact she said...

'Your such a cry baby. Just the one day you decide to let it all flood out of you happens to be the day of my birthday party. It's inconvenient. Now everyone is asking how you are, giving you hugs and asking what your're up to to make you feel better. It isn't that bad to have just one day about me. Your having no birthday cake!'

She was right though. Of all the days, even though I would like to blame my aunty for bringing it up I should have just held it strong. For the sake of my sister's birthday what is she going to remember from her 18th? Her big sister cried at the table...yet again.

I'm just so sorry Rachael. It was never my intention. I am just so sick to death of feeling sorry for myself. I have been out with my friends, kept myself busy, cried when I have wanted to cry and laughed when something is really funny. I don't expect this CRAP to go away with ease. I know it will take time and over time things will just get better...blah blah blah! I am just so ANGRY, FRUSTRATED and darn right DEPRESSED that this is happening!!! I NEVER asked for this!

As I type this now with just tears flooding everywhere. I am just begging and pleading with anyone that will listen. Yesterday, I was looking through old photos and I came across these two that just made me....unbearable.

I would love my life to be simple as it was back then like taking a photo.

I would give anything to have the innocense in my face in this picture of just knowing everything is going to be okay.

You know that type of ache and pain where you open your mouth and scrunch your eyes for the tears and shriek to exit your body. I was urging just anything to travel out in the hope to feel better. I quickly realised, pain doesn't do that does it?!

Pain sits like the Elephant in the room with you and won't go away until time heals it. It sounds so pathetic to say but the more I grow up the more I realise there are no such things as fairytales. I remember when people would say that to me and I would just say 'Actually they do, your just being a pessimist' lol. So naive I was. I am still.

Last night I said to my friend that 'fairytales just don't happen' and she replied 'they do to the lucky ones and not everyone gets lucky Becca.'

I sipped my wine and laughed because she was right and the only thing I could say to her in the midst of feeling like everything is out of control.

'Guess I'll just have to make my own luck then?'


Colette said...

Oh Becca :(

I was almost in tears reading this. Your frustration and pain is so clear.

I wish there were words that could make things better :(

You shouldn't give up hope on fairy tales though. I think they do happen it's just we have a loooooong wait until they do.

Sending you love, hugs and prayers.

Callie Nicole said...

I'm sorry, Rebecca. I've had a broken heart before, so I know a little bit of how you're feeling. I'll be praying for you.

Stephanie RN BSN (to be!) said...

Just so you's ok to hurt! It's part of the grieving process to cry and be upset. You'll find that as time goes by, you will hurt less frequently until you don't hurt anymore, but until then, allow yourself to be unhappy. If you push away all the sadness and try to pretend it doesn't exist, you'll never fully heal.

Hugs to you :-)

Alex(andra) said...

Aww Becca. *hugs* You can't pick where and when you breakdown. It's nearly impossible. Your sister will understand someday. Like Stephanie above me said, being sad is just part of the grieving process. Even though it seems like it'll never go away, it will.

I've never been a fan of fairytales... love and life is way more messy than that. But I also think that the high points are so much better than fairytales too. And those times will come, and the wait will be well worth it. Just keep trucking.

*more hugs*

Suki said...

I heard the past two days such lovely storys about love, but we all have to wait until we are free for somebody new. If you don't then wait until the time healed you. Because it wouldn't make anything better if you put those thoughts and feelings away, because they are there.
I can understand that you just want to be happy again. Sometimes you need to make yourself happy. If you are don't happy with yourself and your life, you won't be happy with any other person.

Big hugs.
I know it really hurts.

Christina Thomas said...

**HUGS** It is OK to cry. Just give it time and you will be happy as can be in no time!

Find distractions for your self. Find a new hobby or a new obsession!

Candy Hart said...

OMG - i totally felt like that after me and Carlos split so i understand. Just take it one day at a time and it will get better! Specially when you are sitting on beach in Turkey!!!!! Chin up!

Krissy said...

I do hope you feel better soon!

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