Saturday, 9 May 2009

Chasing Pavements.

I have wanted to post to you guys all week but everytime I tried to begin I just literally could not find the words within myself to convey exactly the truth.

All I can say is this. It hurts, it really really hurts. It sucks. This really really sucks. Over the past few days my bed sheets have been drenched in tears numerous times. My Mum's shoulders have never been used so much to help protect me. The corner of my room to hide in has never looked so appealing and my head is throbbing from the amount of times I think over and over again. Why did this have to happen because I was so happy for such a long time?

I have asked everyone this who has been prepared to sit with me for hours just bawling and hiccupping my words out. Yet, to be honest I just did not want to know the answer because it will never bring the relationship back.

As I write this I have been overwhelmed from all you fantastic people who left a message, twittered, emailed, texted and even rang me :) Amidst all the crap I have felt so humbled to know that even though I have not met you - your're here and that makes me smile :)

One of my friends was consoling me this week and because I was just so upset and hated being on my own she recommended I find something to relate to. Just something that spoke to me like others faith does for them :) At the time I just thought she was barmy because all I wanted was a hug with no words spoken. Sometimes just silence can show the feelings within someone's soul without the need for formed sentences to convey the hopelessness. I left it at that...until yesterday.

As I was driving home yesterday this song came on by 'Adele' called 'Chasing Pavements'. I will be honest I am not a fan of her and at first found this dull when it came out last summer. Then when the chorus came alive these words really spoke to me.

'Should I give up? Or should I just keep on chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?"

Just then I found my answer. I was happy with Brad. I was moving along a very exciting avenue with him in my life but sometimes we just meet those cross roads and we have to deviate down other paths. Life is all about chasing the dream and the wisdom to find happiness and security but there is no point following it if it leads us to nowhere. I think that is the hardest thing I am grappling with at present because I just want to stop the tears and constant ache. At the moment the only thing to me that will alleviate it is if we had not broken up. Yet, I am also very wrong in believing that because it doesn't set me on an encouraging pathway.

I love Brad and a part of my heart will always stay with him but I refuse to hang on for any glimmer of hope because I may just be setting myself to fall further. All week the main sentence I have said to everyone is 'I just want to be happy.' I think everyone of us can relate to that but it is true. I just want to be happy and that whatever happens will be.

Thank you so much for being so lovely. I mean that whole-heartedly. You have really picked me up with your kinds words and for being so caring. This is a tough thing to go through, I know people have it tougher but it doesnt make it any easier.

In the words of Gloria Gaynor - I will survive.

12 comments:

Just Caz said...

I would love to give you a big hug.
*internet hug*
Yes it is tough, but you are strong and you will make it...

Allie Garcia said...

you will survive. and you will look back on this someday soon and see how far youve come. hang in there, sweets!

Alex(andra) said...

"There'll be beauty from pain". One of my favorite songs in rough times. "Beauty from Pain" by a band called Superchick. You'll get through this and be all the stronger. Chasing pavements is a good song too. "Hometown Glory" is my personal favorite by Adele... mainly because the lyric "The people I've met are the wonders of my world" rocks. Okay. *hugs* keep on truckin' Becca.

Stephanie RN BSN (to be!) said...

Make me cry Becca! My heart is breaking for you; breakups hurt so badly. The last breakup I went through was because of me (I chose to end the relationship) but it still hurts. It sounds like you are remembering the good times, but make sure to remember that no relationship is perfect; I think sometimes we women forget the bad and only remember the good.

Who knows what's around the corner for you...keep your heart and mind open enough to be able to recognize and receive whatever is coming your way. I can only imagine the good things in store for you, because you have a kind and loving heart!

As always, you know where I'm at, friend :-)

I do what I want! said...

My heart breaks for you and every girl going through this same exact thing. Why do boys have that effect on us? It's stupid! Each day will get easier and you will hurt less and less. I remember the first time I went a whole day without crying about him...I even wrote it down because it was monumental...I think it was like a month later. It is so hard when you are with someone so long and everything reminds you of them. Trust me when I say he is probably going through the same exact thing right now missing you.
Feel better :)

brunettekoala (Laura Anne) said...

Hi Rebecca,

Thanks for the comments you left on my blog. I'm so so sorry to hear what you're going through. Break ups are tough. I've been there...and it is really hard when all you seem to be able to do is cry, and the one person you want to be hugging it better and being there is the person you're no longer in a relationship with.

It does get better, and I think you've got wisdom via Adele! :-)

praying for you...you will do more than just survive!!

Brittany said...

Becca, I can't say I know how you are feeling because I have never been in a relationships, but please know that I am here for you! You will get through this- and you will come out the other side stronger. I believe in you!

Suki said...

Hi Becca,
I know it hurts, but you will make it. I am sure you will. You are a strong girl.
Someday you will look back at this relationship and know that you learned something from it.
Feel hugged!
I know how bad it hurts.

Holly said...

I'm sorry you're going through something that sucks this much. :(

Colette said...

Too many broken hearts just now; two of my best friends have recently had their heartsbroken.

Only a few days ago I was telling one of them that relationships when we are young are a learning curve preparing us for the big one in the future. It hurts but it just wasn’t meant to be. The future is bright!

And now think how lucky you are that Brad will always be in your life as a friend whilst he might not have always been there if you’d continued and things had ended badly further down the line.

Been thinking of you lots this week xxx

Mary said...

So sorry to read about what you are going through. Just know that I am thinking about you all the way in Alabama!

Patrice said...

So glad you posted... I've been thinking a lot about you! I so know what you're going through right now, and I feel awful for you. I think your friend had excellent advice, and I'm glad you found wisdom through Adelle! This song is one of my favorites for reflecting on hard times. Good luck, if you need anything I'm just an e-mail or tweet away! <3

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