Sunday, 29 March 2009

Heavy Hearted.

Hello everyone :)

Today I have just had one of those days. My heart just feels really heavy and the tears will not stop soaking my bed covers.

I remember when I was younger and people called me 'airy fairy.' I was this kid with boundless energy, always out playing and hated being indoors. When I was 8 I went to one of those indoor soft-play areas. I distinctly recollect building up the courage to go on the big slide and just as I went down I looked round to my little sister and said 'this is the best day of my life!'

Those best days seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I know life is unfair. I see it but I will never neccessarily get it. I have found the last couple of years hard. Really hard. I have seen friendships fade away, dreams crushed and forever feeling like I am taking plan B in life.

I know this post seems a little everywhere but that is just how I am feeling tonight. I just feel like I don't see the fun in life anymore. I can't see the adventure. I love my nursing but I am sick of sitting at a computer typing essays when the sun is shining outside and I cant be the kid I want to be enjoying it. In my relationship with my boyfriend we have hit a point where we are struggling. I miss seeing my friends and the days where we used to ring each other and just casually meet up. Now I feel like I am part of their schedules and they are part of mine. I really hate seeing Stellan so sick and feeling powerless over the whole situation.

I guess I feel suffocated and just plain confused. My Mum said to me tonight that I was a 20 year old with my life ahead of me and that I should just stop trying to please all the time. She is completely and utterly right but I just wish I felt it.

I know many of you believe that our lives have this plan. It's neat. I am not asking for my journey to be easy or hard. Just tonight I wish, oh how I wish, I was that kid that thought the best days were going down slides and being known as 'airy' fairy.'

Thank you for listening, friends. Seriously thank you so much :)

23 comments:

Stephanie RN BSN (to be!) said...

Aw, my heart is breaking for you! I have days like this and they suck big time, because nothing makes them feel better. Anything I can do to help?

Allie Garcia said...

I'll carry some of that for you. :) I've felt like that too. There is a certain hopelessness that comes with being in your early twenties sometimes. I hope you see the sunshine soon!

Brittany said...

Becca, I am in the same boat as you. My journey with my anxiety these past 2 years have been the hardest days of my life. Some days I am just so ready for it to be over with. Life is so tiring sometimes. Instead of focusing on what is going wrong, try to focus on your blessings. Your family, your friends, your house, your blog, etc. No matter how hard life gets always remember, you have so many people that love you.
I'm very upset with Stellan being so sick, too. We aren't in control- but God is. I know you don't believe in him, but trust me when I say it will be okay. Whatever happens with sweet Stellan, it will be okay.

Alex(andra) said...

Aww Becca. I'm sorry... We definitely all have days like these... just days where nothing seems right and we just need a good cry. I always put in a really sad movie. I'm sending many, many hugs!
I'm really sad about Stellan too, I just want the poor baby to get better, and wish there was something I could do. =( But it will all be okay.

I do what I want! said...

I have days like this too and it is okay to cry. Let it all out and don't hold it in. Sometimes life just seems so rough and unfair but there will be better days I promise you that! We all have our struggles. Baby Stellan being sick breaks my heart too! I just want him to be better!

Librarian or Teacher said...

You're gonna make me cry. :( I know what you mean, some days are just those kind of days. I'm here if you need anything at all. Well you know, as much as I can do from this far away. :)

Just Caz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just Caz said...

I guess it is just hard on those days to see the light at the end of the tunnle.
But There is light and hope.

You've got to remember that deep inside you.. you have a passion for life.
And in those times where everyday things become a struggle. You have to remember that you have a purpose.

Like those essays your writing, one day something that you've written may come to you at a time when you most need it.
That knowledge that your gaining, most likely though out your career.. WILL SAVE SOMEONES LIFE.

I too am SO sad for Stellan.. and I have started praying again, for him and to put my thoughts to other as well.

You've got to remember your a strong person, and that you can accomplish anything if you put your mind too it.

I guess thats the hard thing about getting older, suddenly all the carefree feelings that you had.. seem to fade away.

But you can take time, and take a day and see or do something that will help you remember how good that felt.
Listen to the spicegirls.. or watch your favourite disney movie.
Something to remind you of those times and hopefully you can channel some good thoughts.

Lauren said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've been having those days a lot lately. I try to see the "light at the end of the tunnel" and most of the time it's hard to. I think its all about trying not to loose yourself in all the hard parts of life, by trying to balance that fun kid side with all the hard work and serious stuff.

Colette said...

Oh Becca, I totally totally get how you feel. I feel that way ALL the time. Growing up is so hard. I really do think that childhood are the best days of our life.

Every day whether I'm heading to work or uni I pass my old high school and it actually hurts because I so badly want to go back to that time. I want to be 15 - I want to have no job, to see my friends everyday, not to worry about money, to be able to excel and not feel as though I'm just scraping by. Part of me - a big part - feels like I've just been on a very, very long summer holiday and eventually it will end and I'll go back to school.

With my course I find it hard to find the fun during the semester. I just have no energy and if I rebel a bit and ignore some work I just go around with this horrible guilty feeling but I always know that in 3 months or so it'll all be done. But nursing is so much harder and you don't have that and I'm sorry for you. I want to say 'don't worry you'll be done with education soon' but really that's not much of a comfort because after that real life starts. Maybe you should take a gap year!? I know you are so excited to be qualified but it will give you just a little while to enjoy being young for a little longer.

Dropping outta uni and spending 18 months+ enjoying myself was the best thing I ever did. I went to the zoo. I went to the park. I went to the beach. I slept rough to get McFly tickets (three times!), I went to Glasgow for a week and saw them three times in three days (Harry read my banner - I nearly died) - then I stalked them, then went to see them some more! I went to the most random gigs. I went to watch Paul for the first time. I went to stay in England during the World Cup so I could really savour it. I saw James Bourne live (that was a big deal for me lol). I met ALL my online friends - I became MegaBus' best customer making regular trips to Glasgow, Edinburgh and Aberdeen. I went to Newcaste every month to spend time with my new BFF. And best of all I had a massive 4 day sleepover to see in 2006 with 7 of my online friends. It was the BEST year of my life and if I hadn't had that last hurrah of being a kid then I don't think I'd be as content as I am today. I think we're too young at 18 for further education, we need to be a free a little longer. We have our whole lives to be adults we shouldn't rush to that place. Be free Becca. Don't let your young years pass away.

I feel really sucky that I can't give you advice because when I look at my life and see Plan B all over the place I have great peace that that was the real plan all along. But it took me until I was a little older than you to get to a place where I looked at my life and think 'I love this!.

I figure maybe you just wanted to write down how you felt and you don't really need advice. I hope you feel better today.

I really loved this post, it's something I can identify with and feel passionate about (as you can prob tell!).

Love Col
xxx

Shannon said...

Hang in there. The days will get better. :) Sending good thoughts your way...

Amie said...

You've just described in about 5 paragraphs what I haven't been able to put into words for the past year or so. Thank you.

PS--I know we're strangers, but please don't hesitate to email me if you want to swap stories :)

Stacie said...

girl... i have felt that way, too. about when i was your age. i am turning 30 this year and would so rather be hitting this age than being 20 again. the early 20's reminded me of the middle school years... (11-13 yrs old). there are major life adjustments going on for sure. nursing school isn't easy, either, for starters. it gets better, though. i promise. if you need to chate, just email.

MamabearMills said...

I've been in your shoes, but worse I think! Maybe=). I was 20 at the time and very depressed. I had anorexia and bulemia. I was a dental hygiene student, the day I was accepted into that rigorous competitive program was amazing. Life had other plans for me though. It took only a WEEK for my mind to tell me, this isn't what I had planned for you, Erin. I dropped out and went on to another major. I really regret it now that I don't have a great job, $$$, and a great schedule. But now as I look back, do I really regret it? I have a family that I dreamed of and it wouldnt be this way if I would have quit. Do what your heart tells you. I had always been driven to be the best because of my father. Do well in school, set high standards, BE PERFECT! Being perfect sucked. I think you are feeling exactly the way you should at your age.

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