Wednesday, 15 October 2008

National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Today I just wanted to share that it is the National Day of Rememberance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. The fact that this happens breaks my heart. Noone deserves to suffer a miscarriage, still birth or SIDS. In memory of all the beautiful babies and their families that have gone through the grief of any infant loss. I am thinking of you.

I follow a blog by a charasmatic American lady called Angie Smith Who lost her daughter due to complications that made her incompatible with life. Audrey Caroline Smith lived for a glorious 2 1/2 hours with her family loving her and letting her fly away. I lit these candles for every amazing woman and their family who have had to go through such a heartbreaking and encouraging life event.

I reached out to you at 7pm GMT.


Love, Rebecca.


Sunday, 12 October 2008

Dreams & Expectations.

We all have these expectations. Expectations of the way our lives are going to turn out. We have it all planned out in our minds. Even as children we have these ideas of what we want to be, what we want to do or what we want to accomplish. I had this dream I was going to be this amazing Ballerina and Princess. I was absolutely convinced I could do both at the same time. Live this life of selfishness and the fantastic thing about it was nobody told me I couldn't do it. My expectations were set. At some point something happened...

I grew up.

I decided to give up on the luxurious life of a Princess Ballerina dream. As idyllic as it sounds. It was not plausible. I made the choice to follow another pathway - a more realistic and charming dream. I focussed on that. I decided to get into the university of my dreams, to meet the guy of my dreams to eventually get the career of my dreams. It sounds more realistic but still unconvincing. We all have these dreams in the way we want our lives to turn out. It just doesn't become real until we try to live it.

Then in that moment one of your dreams becomes shattered...

It is in that moment when you suddenly realise that maybe your life wasnt going to turn out the way you thought life was going to turn out. That is because nobody dreams that they will be diagnosed with cancer at the age of 50, or dream that they will be fired from their job at the age of 27, to be divorced twice by the time they're 40 or dream that they end up lonely and depressed at 20. Yet, I have come to learn that everyone of us has some aspect of our life where we have to admit that life has not turned out the way we thought that life was going to turn out.

So what do we do when our dreams are shattered? What do we do with our unmet expectations? What do we do when your guardian angel or favourite person does not show up the way you thought they would show up when life feels broken? Seriously...what do we do when we have to turn to plan B?

We fight. We live. We love. We cry. We see through to the next day...and the next. Just the answer is never there. One of the things I do is try to believe that by following plan B you are making yourself a better person for it. I wanted to go straight into Midwifery. I was declined and my dream was shattered. I had to take plan B and do my nursing first. I wanted my last summer before university to be memorable. Shattered because I realised I could not manage financially on my income so I had to do 3 months full time work to make up the expsenses. It was not the summer I had imagined. I also try to realise that my life has not well and truly begun. I have read, seen and heard of how people cope with the shattered dreams of cancer, losing their unborn baby or knowing they can never be a mummy or daddy. From that you learn the value of luck, even if luck isn't on your side.

I feel that one of the most fantastic aspects of being a human being is that we try to be different but really we are just the same in how we want our lives to turn out. We all have this capacity in our minds and in our hearts to dream, imagine and desire the best picture for our lives. Somedays the sun will shine and others it will get rained on.

I am no preacher or no God. I will never ever or want to know all the answers to all life's dilemmas. I have just learnt that when your picture is tarnished to just be encouraged. To just be pushed through whatever your walking through or whatever your plan B is, just rest in knowing that it is not a suprise because it is what's to be expected. I think you will be impacted more than you ever dreamed of. I will never be that dreamy, egocentric and care-free Princess Ballerina that I insisted I was going to become. However, I will be something more than that. I will learn from life's lessons and not deter from the road I am travelling on because your not teaching yourself anything. It does not prevent your dreams from shattering or deviating down another avenue. It does make your expectations and pictures of your life more rewarding.

In the mix of it all settle in the glory of knowing that when your happy or sad your in charge of your destiny. There are no mistakes unless you learn from them. It will make your dreams come true...eventually.

Love, Becca xxx.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

For Kathryn.


This is for you. I do not think any human being could define friendship. Our friendship. The dictionary describes it as someone you know, like and trust. However, I do not think the dictionary emphasises the laughter, tears, anger and pride that friends share. I think it goes so much more deeper than that.

I am not writing/typing this letter to you just because I think you need your friends more at this time. It is also because you need to be told that you are someone special who I have laughs with, who I cry with, who I try to help and unhesitatingly tell you your mistakes. If I had to define friendship it would be all of that. On top of of it all I believe that best friends do so much more for each other that sometimes it becomes our duty to thank them with all the gratitude we have for them in our hearts. Silly but true. Corny but evident.

For 8 years we have known each other. It has flown by. Seriously I have photographic proof.

14 years old. Eugh! 19 years old. Beauty!

Mcfly, Hilary Duff, Lion King, Beauty & the Beast, Paris, Nu-raving, "Photoshoot" with a hairdryer to make our hair look as wonderful as they do in the adverts, Dancing outrageously, Moose song, Sleepovers, Pantomime, After school german sessions, The challenge of buying as much as we can with £20, Home made cards, Trips to hobbycraft, Laughing so hard that we have cried - several, Disagreements, Dressing up for Rocky Horror and not getting what it was about, Telepathy, Ice skating - miserably, Disaster relationships, Prom and meeting at the same table everyday at school for lunch. Plenty more...

Your my best friend. Your someone who has the knack to kick my arse into gear when the going gets tough. Seriously...who would have thought that we started as school students who did everything we could to get out of "serious" PE to training as a Teacher and a Nurse. They say that in life, if you have one super-close best friend whom you would share anything with, you are lucky. I know that and will always know that Kathryn.

You really are the bestest friend I could have ever asked for.

For 8 years now I've known that I've been blessed with the most giving, genuine and hard working person. I love you to pieces. You have made me cards to make me smile, given me meaningful hugs that actually make me feel better. You have always told me that I can do it when I have wanted to tell everyone that I wanted to pack it in. You are proud of me. You always have, and I honestly believe you always will. Noone has ever made so much of an effort as a best friend for me, noone has ever said such heartfelt things to me and the wonderful thing about it is that I know you are there, you have always been there. If there is anything that I could tell you is that when life hands you Lemons you make Lemonade. But if life hands you the most horrible and sour tasting Lemons there will always be a way to fix it.(by adding sugar!)

We are great and we are the best.

I hope you know that burdens are lighter when carried by two and I just want you to know I'm always here for you. You have the ability to strive for anything you want with success attached to it. You know hard work, even if it kills you but at the the end of the day you do what most people should learn to do. That is to never give up. Life is always going to throw obstacles in front of you but I know that what doesnt kill you Kath will make you stronger. You don't have to fight for everything - only what makes you happy.

Eventually there will become a time where everything will fall into place. Where there will be plenty more years than the 8 we have travelled through to make plenty more fun. To make plenty more disasters, to make plenty more tears and memories. Yet, also and more importantly there will be plenty more years to make your Lemonade out of your Lemons.

Love, Becca.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Changes of the Rainbow.

Margery Searle.

After the rains and storms have gone
And the watery sun has shone
Radiant in an arc so high
Bands of colour light the sky.
Stretching out overhead
Purple, yellow, green and red
Orange, pink, shades of blue.
All create the rainbows hue.
So silently it has arisen
We look in wonder at the vision
And forget the raindrops and the cold
As we see the miracle unfold.

So much change happens to everybody, everyday in life. The rainbow is the best reflection of that. Everybody feels every colour of the rainbow. Everybody make these colourful transitions. Some people fade away or others live for every colour on offer. I think change is worth taking the risk for, to see what colour you become. Otherwise life really would not be the miracle it is. This is in memory of a dear neighbour who lost his life too soon.

RIP Alan.
1943 - 2008.
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