Saturday, 20 December 2008

Christmas 2008.

Happy Christmas.

I truly hope that everyone reading this has a magical time with their friends, family, music and gifts. Since starting this blog I never thought I would have the time to keep it going, but 6 months on, I am pretty proud. I have been astounded and privilege to have been opened up to so many other people's lives through their words and I want to say a massive thank you. It has stopped me looking at life through rose coloured lenses and be more mature.

I know many have struggled to get into the festive spirit. I know I have. However, I still stay true to my guns and say 'bah humbug' to all the people that say Christmas is repetitive, boring and tiring. I truly believe that Christmas waves this magic wand over this world, and hopefully for even just for one day, everything is softer, more beautiful and memorable.

I wish that your best Yuldetide decoration this year is that your all wreathed in smiles.

See you in 2009.


Sunday, 7 December 2008

Melissa's Fighting Fund.

Many may not agree but where I live not much is worth taking an interest in. Yet, this is the complete opposite. I have read many blogs, where I have been reduced to tears, in trying to comprehend how many people even survive the strength to see through to the next day with life's let downs and tears.

This is not another story. Melissa Huggins is a fantastic, vivacious and full of life 27 year old woman...and more importantly she is embarking on a journey of trying to save her own life. It is inspiring, heartfelt and touching yet also it is unfair. Three years ago she was diagnosed with a tumour on her brain stem and an operation was successful. Sadly, she was hit with the devastating news that the tumour has returned in three more places and an operation is not an option. She has one route. Once chance to live.

She is currently fighting to save up for treatment for Proton therapy in the USA where her only cure is waiting for her. A £150,000 is what is costs to do this. In light of the world's reccession I know people's money can only go so far and this is why her fight is so much more worth the win!

All I ask is that you at the very least visit her site and read her story. There is no doubt you will not be inspired by her attitude and zest for life. Please pray and hope that she has the best Christmas present this year. You can also donate money towards her fighting fund but please all I ask is that she is in your thoughts.

Thank you

Thursday, 27 November 2008


In America this past week it is Thanksgiving. Even though "us British" do not celebrate that holiday it has got me thinking. (Yes again!)

We are generally told, in life, that we should be thankful for everything we have got and thankful for everything that has happened to us. This is because it helps us to heal, learn and hopefully become more understanding and less selfish of situations. To become more thankful and less bitter.

Does that mean we are thankful for all the hard times? Death, divorce, heartache, no job and even lack of sleep etc.

After reading many people's blogs and from my own experiences I have come to learn that the answer is. Yes.

I am completely aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a brilliant circle of friends, a developing career in helping strangers, an understanding boyfriend, liberating yet slightly annoying family and my own identity and personal values. The list is endless and, yes, I am unbelievably and eternally thankful for all of that.
But am I thankful for everything?

I am most certainly not thankful for the fact my Grandad died far too soon, that one of my best friends is terminally ill, or that I was not accepted onto the Midwifery course, that my Dad smoked countless cigarrettes until a cancer scare made him stop, that my boyfriend has depression, for lost friends, the fact I am rubbish at Math and the heartache of losing loved relationships even though they mutally ended. I do not know how I can be thankful and reconcile with the negatives in order to have a better understanding.

However, even though I cannot possibly give thanks to all of that. I do have gratitude for what it has helped me relate to life so much better. Even though what has happened affects me profoundly in different ways each day I still have gratitude in my heart. I have learnt that I can still be thankful, even in times of when I want to run away, hide and cry for what I have lost and seen others destroy. Below are some photos of people and trips that I am thankful for.

I'm thankful to my family. At the end of the day they are the people that will always be here and they will always be my family. My life.

I'm thankful for my friends. I would need a whole photo album that lasts a thousand years to showcase all your glory and the happiness and sense of fun you have brought to my life.


'There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.' I will always be thankful for the 5 years, 6 days and 14 blessed hours I got with this wonderful man!

I will always struggle to say 'I am thankful that my Grandad passed away' because even 14 years after he flew away - I simply can't. It is too hard. Many would think why would I want to be thankful that he passed away. The easiest answer is that - death is inevitable and we should be thankful for the lives they were able to share to with us and the memories that no-one can take away.

That man - my Grandad - is my hero. Even though I believe that he is in a better place and having the the flying time of his life in his spirit. I cannot express as many words to tell you how amazing he is, how thankful I am for wherever he may be now. Yet, there are many days where I want my hero back and I just cannot be thankful. There are days where I cannot be redeemed.

I wish I had a magic wand to fix all of my life's and others dissapointments. Even though it hurts, that we cry and we curse all the things in life that we always wanted to treasure and keep safe. We simply - cannot fix it. It is what makes us human and part of the race we are all united in. It is what makes us thankful.

I am thankful for everything...even when I do not want to be.

Love, Becca xxx.

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Just Magic.

Today was just magic. Magical in fact.

I am not one to revel in others misfortunes but I am one to learn from them. I decided to have a ME day and go shopping, read a magazine, ransack my bank balance...all in good fortune of waiting for my boyfriend to finish work and pick me up :) However, before I digress that is not the epitomy of my blog here.

Whilst I was reading my magazine in the middle of a busy shopping centre my mind and thoughts became transfixed - or more nosy to be brutally honest- to a conversation between two middle aged females. They both spoke of sadness, grief, longing and sighed at everything they could possibly non-verbally communicate to. To put it simply - they weren't happy with their situations or lives. Amongst the upheavel of Chrstimas shoppers were two lonely friends who could only rejoice in the negative happenings of their relationships, family and careers. It made me think. It made me imagine. They needed dreams. Dreams to act upon.

I completely understand that we all need to vent, have a good moan and let all their worries spill out. Everyone does it. What aggravates me is when people release all that negativity and do not reason with it. Basically, they do not realise that what they do have counts for something. Their stories made me realise that we all work hard, that we endure the bad days and take photos of the good. I wanted them to comprehend the idea that if they work hard at what makes them happy then it will pay off . Everyone possesses the skills and experiences which shape and define us and which cannot be taken away from us. We learn...

I learned that we always need to be ready for the next step towards our future goals and dreams so that we can excite ourselves towards new horizons. Even if some are known and some yet unknown. We should entrust ourselves in the magic, to be prepared and readied for that next step.

The reason why today was 'magic' was not because a magician pulled a white rabbit from a hat or that glitter was spinkled across my eyes and reality dawned. It was because I love the magic in realising things that we have always known but have never related to. I have always known that if you work hard and have faith that your dreams come true. I love that idea and admit I have the wool covered over my eyes in that statement. Yet, I will always have the tendency to believe that everyone knows that, but when I heard these ladies negativity I learned that I do not want to be like them. I do not want to dwell in every misfortune and forget the positives. I felt the magic in something my Gran once read to me once my amazing Grandad has flown away:

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

We have been given an opportunity to positively impact each and every one of us because of the knowledge and experiences we now have and have learned from. We have the ability to fly and break the ice.

How high do you plan to climb? How deep do you plan to explore? How far do you plan to travel? How big is your dream? We must not allow the negative influences and circumstances in our lives to prevent us from achieving our dreams and aspirations. Again I ask, how big is your dream?

Whoever you are and whatever happiness you hold, remember you have a unique voice that no other in this world has. Your voice is important, and it needs to be heard. Oliver Wendell once said 'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.' We have so much for which we should be proud and thankful for. You may be from countries which are tiny dots in the middle of the ocean, but with hard work and determination to manifest your dreams, you have the power and duty to alter the world in needed and profound ways.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. It has no magic in sitting in a cafe wishing for what should have been and wanting to be 'happy' like others.

As my blog title dictates: The future belongs to those who believe, but it also...

'Belongs to the future for those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. That's magic of it!"

Love, Becca xoxox

Saturday, 8 November 2008

A Fire in the Works.


Call me materialistic. Call me loud. Call me anything yellow loving, easily amused or vertically challenged. Just don't call me a Kid for loving Fireworks. If the saying is true that nostalgia is a warm bath, I become more prune-like each time there's a shower of fireworks above me. Each year when Fireworks night rolls around I regress in age, going back to the days when sitting on my Dad's shoulders was not problematic whilst I looked up at the night sky to see fireworks raining down. Or, really, I was just trying to work out what flavour the firework would be if I were to taste them. Personally the red fireworks were my favourite =].

Even if you weren't lucky to see them in action. At least have Bangers and Mash to make up for the "tragic loss" of missing out on the Gunpowder spirit.

Watching fireworks is like sex in a way: You can do it almost anywhere and it never gets boring. As I stood and watched the annual display flicker above me I could not help but smile to myself. This is where you can call me weird. However, at that moment I am mesmorised at how just clumps of gunpowder can produce the effects of such beauty. Seriously, I secretly wish Guy Fawkes did succeed. It would have been a stunner of a display for London whilst the houses of parliament disintergrated - I digress. The historical significance is eminent in the back of my skull, along with every other "cool" event. Yet, even though Fireworks night is not considered a celebration, the Fireworks certainly do make you feel that 'something.' Whether it makes you feel that you can tolerate being in the pouring rain and the droplets blinding you everytime you look up works. Or, on the other hand, whether it is because everytime that 'Big Bang' releases it shower of colours you can't help but feel that extra bit more snuggled and protected by the downpour of colour, light and fixation.

Every year being under fireworks makes me think and feel the same thing. I cannot help but look into the sky and ponder over the idea that specks of gunpowder joined together can release such a cascade of beautiful colours, noises and effects. I question that if just that can make something so wonderful and - sadly make me think so deeply - that I can achieve so much more to captivate others. It is the exact reason as to why I want to become a Nurse. To work together with other people to produce the happy feeling that I feel under the rockets, catherine wheels and sparklers. To create a positive effect into enriching others lives, even if it is for a few minutes - it worked. Healthcare and Fireworks will never mix, yet the logic is there =].

I know many who will read this will probably think I am looking far too deeply into a firework but to me they really create an atmosphere of complete and utter total freedom. The only thing that matters in the world at that time is the beautiful display above you, lingering in the sky, completely unattached from any of the world's qualms. Those who take in the fireworks show over Disneyland, London, Sydney Harbour at New Years, or even at your friend's reception on their Wedding Day will experience the same thing: absolute bliss. For those 10-20 minutes, rising petrol prices won't matter. Terrorism won't matter. And those nagging university lecturers of yours? Well, they'll still be a sharp pain in your backside, but for that short amount of time, they won't matter either. So call me what you want. On Fireworks night I'm the biggest kid and seldom thinker of them all.

The best display I have ever been apart of.

New Years Eve. London. 2004.

Love, Becca xxx.

Sunday, 2 November 2008


Miracles are defined as a marvellous event manifesting a supernatural act of God. Quite frankly I do not believe it. I believe Miracles are quite simply - a wonderful occurence that you never expected to happen! As many know, I am not a Christian or follow a particular faith. Instead, I choose to learn from what life teaches me - daily. However, that is not to say I cannot understand why many would believe this incredible miracle is gift from the Lord - he truly is something amazing to preach about.

In saying that this week my belief in how Miracles occur was put to the test, because of this little man.

As if butter could not melt in your mouth enough - so quickly!

I follow the blog of MckMamma - - she had three beautiful and healthy children and was thrilled to find out she was adding a fourth MckMuffin to her family. However, at 24 weeks she was told her newest bundle - Stellan - would not be compatible with life. His heart was enlarged, his growth rate was impaired, his heart rhythm was under developed and basically - he faced certain death at birth or shortly after. MckMamma's blog became a treasure to her son and family that was destined by medics to die, but she refused point blank to believe that would happen. She truly believed that her faith would restore Stellan and heal him

I have to admit even after reading all the ailments wrong with Stellan and training to be a Nurse myself, I did not know what to expect. I tried to be positive and encourage myself to believe everything would by okay but in honesty I couldn't. I just saw reason to believe the medics.

I was wrong.
Oh, how I was wrong...
Oh, how happy I was to be wrong!

MckMamma believed her son would produce a miracle and defy all the odds stacked against him. All throughout reading her posts I believed that if I was in her shoes I would believe that too. What Mother wants to grasp the fact that the baby they so lovingly created was not going to lead a life so deservedly and selflessly given to him. You defy it by hoping and praying for someone or anyone to save the day!

On Wednesday October 29th. Stellan was born alive and healthy. The medical team were stoked that they could not find anything wrong with him. Stellan was going to live after months of bloggers consoling MckMamma for either the worse or praying for just a miracle to happen.

I never, ever thought I would see this beautiful image. All MckMamma wanted was her four children together. I feel so lucky to have read and voiced my wishes to Mckmamma on her blog.

1,2,3...Miracle. MckMiracle.

This week I pondered. I thought. I tried to reason with the idea that possibly there is a God who answered everyones prayers. In that Stellan deserved to live and that he needed to live to carry out his quest in life to find his purpose. I truly believe that he is a miracle and that science isn't always correct but I do not believe there was a higher power involved. I believe Stellan did this. He was the fighter. He did not need prayers or gifts from God to cure him. I believe he did it himself to astound the world in his glory. May his life here on earth glorify our mighty creation with every breath he is given. I have come to believe that maybe, just maybe....
Miracles do happen....

What you do Matters...

Have you ever wondered - Why do I do, what I do?

Most people I have been lucky to have met who are employed, enjoy a hobbie or are happy in just their own little world have thought the same thing. Just the aspect that suprises me the most is that the smallest percentage of those people are actually passionate about what they do. This is because the majority feel that they have reached that dead end.

This is alarming because we are going to spend at least half of our lives working or shelling out to help other people. Surely for half your entire life you want to be happy?!

I have actually come to realise and learn that little by little I am beginning to understand that having that promotion, that slightly larger office or having a pay rise really is not going to ease the wrestlessness that most people feel deep within their soul. We have always been reminded throughout education that finding that career or that job is about the creation of value.

If you think back to, all the way back when the Universe began. In religious studies you were taught that God created this planet and that He created Adam. He placed him in the garden and asked him to do the simplest thing: To take care of this. In other words he created roles, work and goals for Adam to set his mind to and create value for his creation. Coming more forward into reality there are ancient scriptures that state that all human beings are created to do "good works". In other means everybody has been given this masterpiece, this piece of art to make an impact and to add value to your lives.

This is why whether your a stay at home mum, a nurse, a counsellor or a good friend we all have the same thing in common.

"We're all on the same quest to discover how to live our lives with full meaning and purpose. Because no matter what we do, we have this one life to live out everyday."

We all have the right to make a significant contribution to the world we live in, no matter who or what puts you down in the process. This is for one reason and one purpose only...

What you do matters....

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Today I just wanted to share that it is the National Day of Rememberance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. The fact that this happens breaks my heart. Noone deserves to suffer a miscarriage, still birth or SIDS. In memory of all the beautiful babies and their families that have gone through the grief of any infant loss. I am thinking of you.

I follow a blog by a charasmatic American lady called Angie Smith Who lost her daughter due to complications that made her incompatible with life. Audrey Caroline Smith lived for a glorious 2 1/2 hours with her family loving her and letting her fly away. I lit these candles for every amazing woman and their family who have had to go through such a heartbreaking and encouraging life event.

I reached out to you at 7pm GMT.


Love, Rebecca.


Sunday, 12 October 2008

Dreams & Expectations.

We all have these expectations. Expectations of the way our lives are going to turn out. We have it all planned out in our minds. Even as children we have these ideas of what we want to be, what we want to do or what we want to accomplish. I had this dream I was going to be this amazing Ballerina and Princess. I was absolutely convinced I could do both at the same time. Live this life of selfishness and the fantastic thing about it was nobody told me I couldn't do it. My expectations were set. At some point something happened...

I grew up.

I decided to give up on the luxurious life of a Princess Ballerina dream. As idyllic as it sounds. It was not plausible. I made the choice to follow another pathway - a more realistic and charming dream. I focussed on that. I decided to get into the university of my dreams, to meet the guy of my dreams to eventually get the career of my dreams. It sounds more realistic but still unconvincing. We all have these dreams in the way we want our lives to turn out. It just doesn't become real until we try to live it.

Then in that moment one of your dreams becomes shattered...

It is in that moment when you suddenly realise that maybe your life wasnt going to turn out the way you thought life was going to turn out. That is because nobody dreams that they will be diagnosed with cancer at the age of 50, or dream that they will be fired from their job at the age of 27, to be divorced twice by the time they're 40 or dream that they end up lonely and depressed at 20. Yet, I have come to learn that everyone of us has some aspect of our life where we have to admit that life has not turned out the way we thought that life was going to turn out.

So what do we do when our dreams are shattered? What do we do with our unmet expectations? What do we do when your guardian angel or favourite person does not show up the way you thought they would show up when life feels broken? Seriously...what do we do when we have to turn to plan B?

We fight. We live. We love. We cry. We see through to the next day...and the next. Just the answer is never there. One of the things I do is try to believe that by following plan B you are making yourself a better person for it. I wanted to go straight into Midwifery. I was declined and my dream was shattered. I had to take plan B and do my nursing first. I wanted my last summer before university to be memorable. Shattered because I realised I could not manage financially on my income so I had to do 3 months full time work to make up the expsenses. It was not the summer I had imagined. I also try to realise that my life has not well and truly begun. I have read, seen and heard of how people cope with the shattered dreams of cancer, losing their unborn baby or knowing they can never be a mummy or daddy. From that you learn the value of luck, even if luck isn't on your side.

I feel that one of the most fantastic aspects of being a human being is that we try to be different but really we are just the same in how we want our lives to turn out. We all have this capacity in our minds and in our hearts to dream, imagine and desire the best picture for our lives. Somedays the sun will shine and others it will get rained on.

I am no preacher or no God. I will never ever or want to know all the answers to all life's dilemmas. I have just learnt that when your picture is tarnished to just be encouraged. To just be pushed through whatever your walking through or whatever your plan B is, just rest in knowing that it is not a suprise because it is what's to be expected. I think you will be impacted more than you ever dreamed of. I will never be that dreamy, egocentric and care-free Princess Ballerina that I insisted I was going to become. However, I will be something more than that. I will learn from life's lessons and not deter from the road I am travelling on because your not teaching yourself anything. It does not prevent your dreams from shattering or deviating down another avenue. It does make your expectations and pictures of your life more rewarding.

In the mix of it all settle in the glory of knowing that when your happy or sad your in charge of your destiny. There are no mistakes unless you learn from them. It will make your dreams come true...eventually.

Love, Becca xxx.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

For Kathryn.


This is for you. I do not think any human being could define friendship. Our friendship. The dictionary describes it as someone you know, like and trust. However, I do not think the dictionary emphasises the laughter, tears, anger and pride that friends share. I think it goes so much more deeper than that.

I am not writing/typing this letter to you just because I think you need your friends more at this time. It is also because you need to be told that you are someone special who I have laughs with, who I cry with, who I try to help and unhesitatingly tell you your mistakes. If I had to define friendship it would be all of that. On top of of it all I believe that best friends do so much more for each other that sometimes it becomes our duty to thank them with all the gratitude we have for them in our hearts. Silly but true. Corny but evident.

For 8 years we have known each other. It has flown by. Seriously I have photographic proof.

14 years old. Eugh! 19 years old. Beauty!

Mcfly, Hilary Duff, Lion King, Beauty & the Beast, Paris, Nu-raving, "Photoshoot" with a hairdryer to make our hair look as wonderful as they do in the adverts, Dancing outrageously, Moose song, Sleepovers, Pantomime, After school german sessions, The challenge of buying as much as we can with £20, Home made cards, Trips to hobbycraft, Laughing so hard that we have cried - several, Disagreements, Dressing up for Rocky Horror and not getting what it was about, Telepathy, Ice skating - miserably, Disaster relationships, Prom and meeting at the same table everyday at school for lunch. Plenty more...

Your my best friend. Your someone who has the knack to kick my arse into gear when the going gets tough. Seriously...who would have thought that we started as school students who did everything we could to get out of "serious" PE to training as a Teacher and a Nurse. They say that in life, if you have one super-close best friend whom you would share anything with, you are lucky. I know that and will always know that Kathryn.

You really are the bestest friend I could have ever asked for.

For 8 years now I've known that I've been blessed with the most giving, genuine and hard working person. I love you to pieces. You have made me cards to make me smile, given me meaningful hugs that actually make me feel better. You have always told me that I can do it when I have wanted to tell everyone that I wanted to pack it in. You are proud of me. You always have, and I honestly believe you always will. Noone has ever made so much of an effort as a best friend for me, noone has ever said such heartfelt things to me and the wonderful thing about it is that I know you are there, you have always been there. If there is anything that I could tell you is that when life hands you Lemons you make Lemonade. But if life hands you the most horrible and sour tasting Lemons there will always be a way to fix it.(by adding sugar!)

We are great and we are the best.

I hope you know that burdens are lighter when carried by two and I just want you to know I'm always here for you. You have the ability to strive for anything you want with success attached to it. You know hard work, even if it kills you but at the the end of the day you do what most people should learn to do. That is to never give up. Life is always going to throw obstacles in front of you but I know that what doesnt kill you Kath will make you stronger. You don't have to fight for everything - only what makes you happy.

Eventually there will become a time where everything will fall into place. Where there will be plenty more years than the 8 we have travelled through to make plenty more fun. To make plenty more disasters, to make plenty more tears and memories. Yet, also and more importantly there will be plenty more years to make your Lemonade out of your Lemons.

Love, Becca.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Changes of the Rainbow.

Margery Searle.

After the rains and storms have gone
And the watery sun has shone
Radiant in an arc so high
Bands of colour light the sky.
Stretching out overhead
Purple, yellow, green and red
Orange, pink, shades of blue.
All create the rainbows hue.
So silently it has arisen
We look in wonder at the vision
And forget the raindrops and the cold
As we see the miracle unfold.

So much change happens to everybody, everyday in life. The rainbow is the best reflection of that. Everybody feels every colour of the rainbow. Everybody make these colourful transitions. Some people fade away or others live for every colour on offer. I think change is worth taking the risk for, to see what colour you become. Otherwise life really would not be the miracle it is. This is in memory of a dear neighbour who lost his life too soon.

RIP Alan.
1943 - 2008.

Saturday, 30 August 2008

You had weight in this life.

The other day I sat on the River Wey and delicately placed rose petals with four other amazing girls to remember your life. She knows who she is because I believe in some mysterious light she is watching. She watched us that day and she will always continue to have weight in this life. I promise you that I will never stop being your voice here on earth. I will tell everyone about the talented medicene fanatic you were who tackled a cruel disease to change hearts. I will always miss you. There will never be a day where you are not a part of us.

In some ways I thank you spesh! You taught me not to moan about how little summer I had but to enjoy every part of it I was given. I made the most of it believe me :)
1) Menorca - sunshine, Oli, Jim's, Dancing and Archers & Lemonade.

2) Reading Festival - live music, camp fires, snuggles with Brad & tequila.

3) Friends - I don't think I will begin to start how amazing you all are because I don't think I will end up finishing. Thank you.

Summer 2008 gave me that. Three fantastic lucky charms fitted into 6 fantastic weeks.
Im rested now...bring on year 2.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Im off to Menorca :)

Is it mean of me to say that I am so glad it is raining in England?! Cause if so then I am so glad to be escaping it for 12 days....

For this. Makes you want to pee yourself with excitement.

It sounds silly to say but I am going to miss Brad so much. I know I will be crying myself stupid - again! I am looking forward to getting away for a bit and catching up with Oli again and seeing old/new faces. Bring on the Spice Girls tribute band and sun tan!

The last couple of days have been hard. I read words - comforting words - from their blog about their final journey. At 19 years old nobody deserves to know that the life they worked so hard to get was over. RIP. I will always miss your words, spirit and humour.

I have lots of memories to make over the next 12 days.
Let the fun begin!

Before I board a flight and leave the miserable weather I just want to say...

Happy 19th Birthday Karl.

For old times sake a 2005 photo.


Sunday, 27 July 2008

A note to say...

Thank you lads for kick starting my summer on a high....

I got the chance to have fun without worrying what time I had to get up in the morning & what work I had to finish off the next day. Most of all I got the chance to walk the streets of Woking (Glamorous eh?!) to chat and have a laugh with a person that maybe I didn't give the best of chances to. There is no need to name them but it ended the night well.

Thank you for a great night, I had a lot of fun talking to you.

I know you were in Vegas but the amount of times I said "wish you were here" to the lads was endless. I missed you Kath.

Summer. Summer. Summer.


Saturday, 26 July 2008

A Year To Reflect.

I think there comes a time when everything falls into place, the things that never made sense before finally become clear. Where everything you worked hard for finally becomes a reality.

Summer is here - 6 weeks and 4 days of finally being me!

The past few weeks have been a massive eye opener for me. I've finally opened my eyes for long enough to see that everything I've been chasing this last year has led to this moment now.

Summer is here - I have not a clue why it is such an incredible feeling. It is a summer holiday. However, when for the last year you have people constantly assessing how good you can give injections, work out drug dosages, wipe people's arses, communicating with people you have never met and constantly hear the words of "NURSE, NURSE"! You can slightly become caught up in this bubble where literally everything comes before you. I never mean to be selfish but this summer means so much more than any other summer. I know that I will utilise it fully, selfishly and endlessly. It is my summer of sun, beaches, festivals, solar showers, live music and more importantly spending it drunkenly, stupidly and closely with the people who actually put me sometimes before them.

Now I'm the first to admit that when I fall, I fall hard. I let everything fall on top of me and literally it is the end of the world. I persevere in the hope of making somebody proud of me. In hindsight I think I always knew deep down that with these people they always were and will always be but there have been times where I can honestly say I have been completely ignorant, if cast them to one side during this year.

Don't get me wrong. I love my nursing training and I love the confidence and determination it has given me. Yet, it has come with the pitfalls of making (and shamely I admit it) that all I tend to care about is myself a lot of the time. How I feel? How I am so tired? How people broke up for summer in May and me July - how unfair huh? - that isn't me. On the other hand I have to realise I couldn't change these things. Im not going to fight. I've learnt that things don't have to be difficult all the time. Where does the enjoyment fit in? When I am probably training in one of the best careers.

Ironically, since summer started I have found to realise that I have had the best support during this year and I was completely ignorant at the time of when - to be frank - felt like shit. This was in the shape of my best friend.

For 7 years now I've known that I've been blessed with the most giving, genuine and hard working person. I love her to pieces. She gave me cards, meaningful hugs and told me that I could do it when I didn't want to tell anyone that I wanted to pack it in. She is proud of me. She always has, and I honestly believe she always will. Noone has ever made so much of an effort as a best friend for me, noone has ever said such heartfelt things to me and the wonderful thing about it is that I know she is there, she has always been always there. She has her hard times and points when she feels like she wants to give in. I want her to know that I am sorry I ignored her signals of pushing me when the going got tough. I felt like I shut you out. Thank you for saying well done when I passed.

Kathryn - your going to make an exellent teacher :)

There have been plenty of others who have made me feel like I can achieve this. 1 year down and 2 to go. I don't mean to be a wet blanket but it has to be said. I have the best people around me, the best boyfriend who takes me out of my "bubble" and the best bed to sleep in at night to move me onto the next day of people shouting my status of "NURSE". In a funny way - I love it. This nursing malarchy is like my love/hate realtionship at the moment. I just hope by the end of the 3 years it will be one of the best relationships I have.

Something changed these past few weeks, and I can't place a finger on why. I don't know what it was but I've finally learnt that not everything has to be a constant struggle, not everything needs to be over analysed and more importantly and ironically everything can be made fun and interesting if you make it.

Summer isnt the answer but it sure is the best feeling right now....

Summer 2008. It's here. Finally.
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