Monday, 14 April 2014

Positive Thoughts

At this moment in time I feel that my family are getting no luck in the health department. My Gran went back into hospital 10 days ago for another flare up of pneumonia. Although not as bad as last time she is still very frail. She is now in respite care for a few weeks in the hope she can gain some strength back. However, she is now refusing to eat due to nausea so it's just a vicious circle.

On top of that my Mum also contracted pneumonia 2 weeks ago and was very poorly. She had a chest X-ray which has shown a 'suspicious mass' on her lung. I am so frightened! She is currently awaiting scans and tests to see what it is but we have been told there is a likelihood it could be lung cancer.

Scared is an understatement. These last few weeks I have been really been hit in the face with how important our health is and we so often take it for granted. I am petrified that my mum could be really sick and it does not help that I am a nurse either. I have seen the really ugly side of operations and illnesses in my line of work. So it is easy to jump to the negative instead of the positive.

My family could really do with some positive thoughts right now.

Monday, 7 April 2014

We only accept the love we think we deserve

I have just got back from a wonderful weekend celebrating my blog friend Laurie's 30th birthday in Edinburgh. I had the best time and it was so fun to get away, meet new people and race adults on space hoppers. I certainly got to release my inner child. I have evidence too.

One of my favourite parts of the weekend was settling down to watch a movie on Saturday night. Laurie and I watched The Perks of being a Wallflower. I have read about this film but as always life gets in the way and I haven't had a chance to see it. If you take anything from this blog post is go see this movie. It's about a troubled teenager who tries to navigate his way in finding a hopeful life in what appears to be a hopeless world.

Halfway through the movie a conversation takes place where they question why people always go for the players? Why people cheat on others and then welcome them back into their lives? Why people accept mediocre when they could have so much more. Has anyone else wondered that?

'We only accept the love we think we deserve' and this really struck a cord with me. As soon as I heard it it was one of those catch your breath moments. It answered many unanswered questions I have in counselling. It made this veil of confusion I have on certain issues in my life fade away. Simply because it speaks so much truth. If I'm honest my thoughts immediately turned to my ex Simon. Still today when he is brought up people still say 'but you were so perfect for each other' 'you never seemed to be unhappy' and the most common being 'How can you go from being together to just not? It was like you flipped.' And even though I have moved on now and happier. There are still questions and unanswered feelings around that time. It was such a blur! But when I heard this quote it was almost like it answered everything! It's amazing how something does that, isn't it?

Sometimes giving a person your everything never seems like enough. I know after the break up I certainly went through a vicious cycle of feeling sad and then really confused. Why didn't it work out? Why did I reject someone who loved me? Why do some people make relationships last and I just can't?

Why, why and why?!? But the simplest answer is that we truly do only accept the love we think we deserve. I always thought I deserved to be spoilt and treated like an angel. I had this notion that as soon as I met a guy I liked I would slowly check off my tick boxes like travel, save up for a place, talk about marriage etc. I got that and realised I didn't deserve it. In fact I hated being the apple of someone's eye. I have slowly begun to realise that it is us who has the power to change things. We can't change other people but the real authority for change in our lives, is us. When we are sad about something we give ourselves the right to cry. When we are confused we give ourselves the right to question. When we are angry we give ourselves the right to vent. So why don't we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?

And this is what I have always grappled with and it's a constant battle.

Last summer when I chose to end my relationship. The relationship that appeared to have everything. I gave myself the right to leave it. It wasn't abusive. It wasn't because I thought I deserved better and didn't want to settle. I wanted to give myself the chance to acknowledge some demons in my life and I wanted to give Simon the opportunity to be loved, the way he deserved to be.

I am human and have many faults. I had so many people say to me 'I am sure your ex would have wanted to help you. Why leave a relationship when you have the support right there in front of you?' But I have realised over the last few months that my imperfections aren't reasons to make do and stay in relationships. I gave myself the right to make a choice. I was not happy and I had to do what was only fair to better myself. Some have called it bravery? I think not. But it was almost like I came to a cross road and to some people it looked like I had decided to take the road less travelled. Yet by doing so it has made all the difference in the world to me.

I will never ever say no to love. I will continue to love on those around me and I am slowly starting to allow others to love on me too. Don't settle for less, don't just expect more. Just give yourself the right to pave your way in life.

After all, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

My Mum

I have been inspired to write this tribute to my Mum on Mothers Day, since this week I felt the roles were reversed. I have cared for, worried, fretted and probably annoyed my mum more this week than in my whole life. She was taken very poorly this week and is now on the mend. It's the most ill I have seen her and the most worried I have been to.

And then I realised that this is how my mum feels x 4! All the time. How do mums do it? The mother-daughter relationship is so important. I think it helps us to celebrate being a woman and what we're designed to give to our or future children.

Is it a hard relationship at times? Definitely!

Is it one of the most important relationships you could have in your life? You bet it is!

There are times my mum drives me crazy. I wouldn't go as far to say she is my best friend (because in my eyes you can't be "friends" with a parent) but she is my favourite person. I was formed and developed in her womb so to me there is literally no closer relationship I could have in my life.

There are so many things I could write now to say how bloody amazing my mum is. Isn't every person's mum the best in the world? I totally agree with that. Today I want to celebrate some of the gifts given by my mum that at the time weren't so great. As they say it isn't until we learn to love the hard to love parts, do we actually understand what true love is.

Dear Mum,

Thank you for my thunder thighs. I have come to learn that I'll never have the skinny legs I long for or be able to look good in hot pants/shorts. But like you have said to me in the least I have a softer landing for when I fall! So thank you for my wonderfully wobbly thighs.

Thank you for your Muttley laugh. I remember when I was younger how I used to roll my eyes because when you laughed your face screwed up like you were constipated. I now have the exact same laugh and if I look like I need a poo? Who cares! I am glad it has never changed.

Thank you for your matter of fact honesty. I so desperately wanted you to shut up when I was a kid. There were many times in the playground and at school events where I just wanted you to lie. 'Yes Rebecca never leaves her homework to the last minute' would have been a great one for parents evening! Thank you for not being like the other mothers who made out their children were perfect. You have always accepted we aren't and it taught me in the long run that honesty earns respect.

Thank you for being my biggest fan and sticking up for us. I'll never forget when the school board wouldn't statement Philip for his dyslexia. You marched into his classroom and told the teacher that all 7 year old should know their ABC's and Philip couldn't. You put her in her place and stuck up for your son. Philip can now do his ABC's and so much more if it wasn't for your determination to get him the right education! It's your strength of character that has allowed me to trust myself and my instincts.

I guess now is as good as any time to thank you for my feet big foot! I wanted the world to swallow me up when I was a kid at ballet. I swear my feet were double the size of all the dainty ones doing pirouettes around me. And even though now I am buying size 7 shoes I guess I am more grounded. So yeah...thank you large, well grounded, firmly stuck to the floor feet!

And lastly thank you for being repetitive. I remember all those term time Sundays essay writing and crying about how I couldn't do my degree because it was so much tougher than I EVER imagined. You would always say 'all you can do is your best' and I used to curse when you weren't looking. It made my blood boil because it didn't fix anything at that moment. But now the essays are over (I hope!) and I am in a career I love. You're right...and I don't hate to say it...all you can do is your best and your best is always good enough.

Thank you for being wonderful and for being my true love. For letting me be your not so perfect daughter and my perfect mum. Thank you for being all of you and giving me the opportunity to be all of me.

Happy Mother's day, Mum

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Sick Season

Just like they say at Christmas 'Tis the season to be jolly...' it seems 'Tis the season to be my household at the moment. My Gran came home last week and seems to be doing okay. I think she is as well as she is going to be. It's just sad to see the marked deterioration in her so suddenly. However, it is now my mums turn to be ill. She has had the sniffles for about a week but then on Monday couldn't even get out of bed. I was so worried about her that I nearly took her to hospital but encouraged her to go to the doctor and put on some strong antibiotics. She was diagnosed with community acquired pneumonia!

Today is the first day she has eaten since Sunday and the first time she has been out of bed to not take medication or be sick. As a result everyone has been mucking in to run the house and it's times like this that I realise how much my mum actually does. I'm surprised she wasn't taken ill sooner!

With mothers day being on Sunday (in the UK!) it certainly makes me realise how much I appreciate her. I am certainly spoiling her over the next few days.

Get better soon Mum!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...